2 months before my 18th birthday i developed a horrendous condition called tinnitus, which is ringing in the ears or head. At first, although it was very bad, it didn’t cause me any issues, but it did never stop or go away. as the weeks went on my anxiety began to build, i couldn’t sleep and i was in a constant state of unprecedented despair. eventually the inevitable happened, i developed depression and life became unbearable. i couldn’t concentrate in school, dreaded and avoided social situations (including my 18th birthday) and could not stand anybody. But to cut a long story short i overcame this and started uni.
When i started my first year of university i was having a great time. I was drinking (fairly) often and having great craic with my mates, most of my problems seemed to just dissipate. i was doing things i would have not done before university and felt joyful most of the time, which, when i look back, i never was before. the tinnitus would still flair up now and again but i just used to tell myself that its not all that bad and people have to live with worse and to hell with it essentially. But then around 2 months before my final first year exams, just before revision began, the tinnitus amplified unexpectedly and soon, once again, i fell into a depression. I would sit and stare at the wall for hours, avoid talking to my friends and not eat for days almost. revision was almost impossible and my entire life began to fall to pieces. i could not function at all. there were times when my mood would fluctuate but i was generally depressed.
On the day of my 19th birthday i sat in my room and wrote my letters; one to my mum and dad, one to my sister, and one to my grandparents, explaining to them why i could not live anymore and how sorry i was. i attempted to hang myself but couldn’t build up the balls to actually do it. so i thought i’d try and fight it for my family, and some how got through my end of year exams. over the summer holidays my depression grew deeper and darker. i could not get out of bed, everything seemed to annoy me, i was crying flat out, i could not see any future at all, i began to develop an irrational hatred for my parents and sister, and i just wanted to die. I am not religious but i used to pray that when i went to bed that i would not wake up in the morning. i couldn’t take another day of this shit. i was so depressed that i did not care about the effects my suicide would have on the family any more, i couldn’t live for them any longer. This is when my mum took me to the GP and i was given fluoxetine (prozac) and propranolol. over a couple of weeks these began to work and my depression and anxiety lifted, but i did not feel the same. i dint care about anything and felt emotionless. i used to ask myself is life worth the effort? i no longer felt suicidal as such, but i came to the conclusion that my suicide is an inevitability and no longer cared whether i lived or died; life meant nothing. i then developed an unhealthy obsession with dead and suicide, watching suicide videos online and suicide documentaries.
as i started back to my second year of uni about a month ago i felt strangely excited and optimistic, things started to look brighter again. i found myself doing things that i would not have done before, such as going to loud nightclubs despite the damage it could do to my tinnitus and also smoking cigars and cigarettes which i normally despise. I would usually wake up early and it would make me very tired during the day, but at this time i would still wake up early but wouldn’t feel tired. i was able to do all my classes and work and still be buzzing for going out that night. I spent wild money on ebay ordering books that i don’t need and even suits that i will never wear; it all seemed like a good idea at the time. But then about 10 days ago 1 night i was hit by a sudden, indescribable emptiness and darkness whilst with my friends, just like hitting a wall, and ever since then i can feel myself becoming down and i cant be bothered with most people anymore. i wouldn’t say i’m depressed, but this may just be due to the fluoxetine acting. my tinnitus is at normal levels so i’m not sure if its a factor or not.
i’m now back to my old way of thinking; is life worth the effort?, i dont care about anything, i dont care if i die etc. I’m tired a lot and can not concentrate in class; i feel out of it a lot of the time when in class. i worry about failing this year of uni and can not see much good in my future right now, but i don’t really care. i’ve started do become obsessed with death again and that i don’t care about life.
I’m very sorry about the length of this, but what i’m really looking to know has anyone else ever felt this way in general? i’ve never really received a diagnosis and am wondering is it a relapse of my depression or something else? any comments or advice is much appreciated. thanks.
3 comments
I have tinnitus. It developed a few years ago due to exposure to loud noises. Depending upon the moment, it varies in intensity and sound. I also have anxiety… so I understand a bit about the effects. Sometimes the two don’t mix well and, to be honest, sleep deprivation is one of the worst things for you. It can result in stress and cause other issues that put you in the dumps.
When you got to uni, it was a new environment. Perhaps you had a little more freedom, there were new friends, and alcohol may have been more available. The new situation was essentially a “honeymoon period” in which nothing could go wrong. But then things stabilized, you adjusted to the new situation, and reality came back. You weren’t feeling well.
Your birthday was a struggle to get through. It seemed pretty dark… and you came close to your moment of truth. Thankfully, you didn’t do anything.
To summarize, it seems as if things are going back and forth for you. There seems to be minimal middle ground. That can be frustrating. It’s hard to work on solid ground when there isn’t any. It’s probably a good idea to meet with a doctor or provider and explain just what you described above. You can probably get some assistance in narrowing the extremes so that things don’t go all the way from one end to the other.
… and yes, I’ve felt this way. I speak from experience. It took quite a bit to follow my own advice but I needed to do it. (No need to apologize for the length… That’s what SP is for.)
Thanks for taking the time to send this in depth reply, I found it very helpful. I’m glad now I have someone to relate to, although this is an awful way to be. My father has always been suspected of having bipolar 2 disorder and had a horrific mental break down about 2 years ago and still hasn’t fully recovered. I just worry that I might end up like him, my family can already see it happening
There appears to be a strong genetic link regarding Bipolar Disorder. If it’s suspected that your father has it, that’s even more of a reason to reach out to a doctor or provider. There are a variety of treatment programs for Bipolar Disorder. You just have to ask for help.