Looking Ahead

We are all on here for different reasons and have been driven to consider taking our own lives due to a wide range of experiences.  We are a diverse company of sufferers.  And that is as it should be.

I haven’t posted here with any regularity in many months.  I’ve been in Puerto Vallarta since August 1st and will return to the states on Jan 26th, as planned.

Its been a time of great introspection, highs and lows and just plain old acceptance of who and what I am, and what is possible for me.  I made a promise that I would never take my own life in a violent manner, although the Golden Gate still haunts me.

I feel much calmer than in previous times, but I think the inevitable deterioration of heart functionality is pretty loud in its indications of what lies ahead for me.  I’ll be 60 years old in a few months.  My previous plan was to wait and see how things did or did not progress for me and then, if things continued on a downward trend, I would simply stop taking my heart meds and let nature take its course.  That is still my plan.

For the record:  I suffered congestive heart failure on August 11, 2009.  During my hospitalization, I learned my coronary arteries were 90 to 100% blocked.  My heart was enlarged due to excessive high blood pressure and the lower left quadrant of my heart was almost nonfunctional.  My ejection fraction was about 20% (the amount of blood pumped out of the heart after the previous pump brought blood into the heart).  The normal person ejects about 60%.   I was evaluated for a heart transplant but the doctors decided to try to save my heart.  After exactly 3 months of medicinal therapy, I had a quad bypass on Veteran’s Day, November 11th.  I never recovered in the fashion they had hoped and had to go on disability a year later.  The depression started within 6 months of my surgery.  My ejection fraction is down to about 30%.

So now, I can’t work, am chronically tired and facing my own mortality.  I don’t have a bipolar brain disease that causes me to hear voices or have hallucinations.  I just see the reality of my life and situation.  I have family and friends who care for me.  But there is no one person in my life who is special, and with my health there never will be.  I do not (and can no longer) contribute to society.

When I get back to the states, I will update my will again, complete the forms to donate my remains and stop taking the meds.  The only people who have loved me unconditionally are gone from this existence.  I want so much to be with them again.  I truly believe that will happen.  I just need to stop prolonging the inevitable.  I am at peace with this.  I could live several more years (if I’m careful) or I could just go suddenly.  We are never promised tomorrow.  I have no intention of making my decision known to family and friends.

This is the way I choose to make my final exit. I will die debt free with a little money to spread around.  That is the only way I can make a concrete difference.

Peace and prayers

Jay/Bayareaguy