Hello everybody.
Love from me.
I am 22 and I live in Bosnia. Its fucked up place like every place on this planet.
I”ve been all over the world. Worked on cruise ship for two years. I feel so lonley. Like nobody unmderstand me. Even when I am with other people,drinking,laughing,I feel alone…completley…All the time thinking about that…Feeling so distanced from other people.
Born as Muslim,but started to practice religion with 16 for 3 years. Now I dont belive in nothing but death.
I have so many disorders. Obsessive compulsive disorder….etc
Didnt had girlfriend. Now I met girl called Sandra and I a made mistake again. Nothing is going “GOOD”. Most of the time I am standing and wondering to other people. How can they live normaly. To work,talk,love,have a meaningless sex,and all that crapy stuff….
She is scared as evrey girl before. I dont now am I in situation to love somebody . Is it possible for sombody like me to be in love.
Dont like this socitey from bottom of my soul and body…cant stand half hearted relationships….nothing isnt pure and truly.
So many idiots around me…everybody…my familiy…friends…They just dont get it. Everyting is about job,money,shit and stuff, and this stupid relatinships.
It aint love. They dont know shit about love and commitment.
I met this girls sudenley. I make comment on one site and than she add me on stupid social network,you know the name of network.
We had nice chat for about 4 hours. Comment was about ship. She supposed to go on ship in few weeks,and I just gave her few addvices to survive that cruel enviroment. I just wanted to help her, I still do. And she needed the money for going abroad on interview .She started to complaining becouse there is nobody to help her now when she needs help. I stopped her and I told her,dont worry about money ,just send me your account. She didnt want to,but I was consistent. Tomorow I send her money. To make it shorter. She got the job. In the meantime,we met . She is far away from my place. Like 150 miles. I went there every fucking day. I gave her everything I had. She is sick. Having problems with ovaries,she dont eat reguraly,smoking like crazy. Didnt had money for treatment. I went with her few times. Been for her every fucking day. She is very popular. Tattoed girl,having lot of friends an ex from movie industry….She have friend all over her Europe. But all of them werent there for her. I was.
Now I didnt saw her for about month. She is back her ex……She just used me for some time and dumped me like can.
I dont regret. I will help her again. But I stopped to belive in life….Completley….I dont want to be here anymore….
I got no money.Living with my grandmother. Couldnt stand my parents. All the time same story. You dont need anything. You dont want the money. Look at your friends. They got cars,apartmants,kids,bla bla…. so I moved to my grandmother.
Dont see any sense in this live…Only exit is death,anyway we are going to die,so what is the fucking point,to live with people I dont like in society I dont like.
I didnt choose this. I dont want this.
This girl,Sandra. I thought we have same image of world. She told me that. She told me,she loves me,like she dont belive that people like me exsist on this planet,but I am to pushy. She had love of her life. They broke up,year ago,and like she say. She is rusted. She needs time. But fuck . Nobody gives a single fuck for you. I didnt give a fuck for anything before I met her. I started to belive there is something,but nobody gives a fuck. Every day is valuable if you have right person. But now I am depressed even more. Dont have friends. Dont have any money. Every day is geting more worse. Every day is geting more meaningless. I tried to hang myself…didnt work out….went to hospital…couldnt stand one place…drinking alchohol with antidepresives….
I start to use pills again…Last night I had worst nightmare ever. I feel so obsessed with something. All the time I feel like something is wrong with me.
I just dont know a shit anymore……… I want to die but I dont have guts to kill myself . Maybe if sombody else could do it to make it like accdient.
Sorry for spelling….
3 comments
Hi. I’ve read your post and I’m so… I don’t know how to explain that. What you’re living is so sad. But this is terrible that you absolutely want to die. Okay your life isn’t really fantastic, but if you still think that death is the only way out, you’re totally wrong. Look your grandmother accepts you in her house, that is a really good point. You’ve said that there was so many idiots around you, including your family. How is your grandmother an idiot ? My comment will probably not change your life but maybe he will change your mind a little. Hope so.
I hope you will not kill yourself. Stay strong.
A french girl. (Sorry if I made faults)
The level of idiotism of my familiy and other people isnt the same.
But nobody dont understand me.Nobody.
I have this border personality disoreder,obsessive kompuslsive disorder,anexity 24/7,and no hope.
And now this girl…She is with her ex now. She just used me. I cant belive.
Please dont judge me. Everybody are doing that. I know that I have bad atittude . But this world isnt place for me at all . I dont like anything . Before I enjoyed driving bike,sleeping,drinking coffe at my balcony in the early morning with cigarette while listening Trentemoller :),etc.
Now I cant find single thing to enjoy ,just alchohol abuse and pills.
But every fucking time I wake up .Same thoughts in my head .
All the day,all my life,just thinging in advanced .
What is going to happend If I do this,if I do that,and every time,faliure.
I feel like I dont want help but In same time I want. But there is no one to help. Just medications,and that is for limited period of time.
Thanks for saying all that,nice that someone get it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry you were used, and I’m sorry you are sad. I’m sorry there don’t seem to be little things that make you happy anymore.
Sometimes there isn’t anyone close to help, but sometimes there is and it just doesn’t feel like it. I hope someone in your life can be there for you, because the nice things you did for that girl who used you say for sure that you are a good and nice person. I wish you luck.