Unlike most of the people here, I am undecided on whether I want to end my life. It is definitely at the forefront of my mind, but I don’t think I want the finality. But I know that I cannot continue on with life as it is. Circumstances, however, mean that I can’t change it.
I am a single mother to a 3 year old boy, whose dad has minimal contact. Recently, I’ve been finding myself sleeping with just about any man who will take an interest just for a bit of affection, after many major rejections from men this year, and to patch up the hurt that there is one man I really want to be with who thinks I’m not good enough for him. The guilt about sleeping around takes up about 50% of my thoughts and what’s worse, I have potentially passed a sexually transmitted infection to the one I really care about. This has left me feeling low.
The other 50% of my thoughts is guilt again. I work and go to college, which means that a lot of my son’s time is spent at nursery. I feel like I hardly see him and his care is passed onto other people entirely too much. In order to try and have a social life, his grandparents sometimes have him at weekends and the guilt I feel about that is just horrible.
Everyone says I’m doing a great job. They think I’m handling it well, but I’m not. I’m so bad tempered with him, I can see the fear in his eyes when it all comes out – although I have never physically hurt him, I am terrified that whatever I am feeling will take a grip of me and I won’t be able to stop it. He has been assessed by a psychologist and he is not developing as well as he should be. He doesn’t communicate well with other children and his speech is delayed. I am under no illusions that this is my fault.
To try and alleviate pressure, I have quit college. As I am academically very bright, this has been met by attempts at persuading me otherwise. Further pressure. I took off with the boy for a few days just to spend some time and was threatened with social service input by my own mother. Anyone who tells you it’s good to talk about how you’re feeling, I say it’s not. It has caused nothing but grief and I have been called selfish, told that I have nothing to feel down about etc etc etc. All the usual clichés that I am sure everyone here has heard before.
I have decided that I would like to use ********/pentobarbital to do it but, because I am undecided, my intention is to have some at home in case I really feel that I’ve had enough. But, of course, it is so difficult to come by. Perhaps a subconscious choice.
I fluctuate between periods of extreme highness where I feel that I could take on the entire world and win, and periods of feeling so low that death appears the only option. I suspect I have undiagnosed bipolar disorder but I hide it very well and have done for about 15 years. Now, however, I have reached an impass and I honestly have no clue how to move forward, if at all.
9 comments
how old are u?…
Ghost, can you get an evaluation with a psychiatrist and/or an appointment with a therapist? Even though you quit school, do you still have any access to their services, maybe? I think it would be in your best interest to print out this post, in which you explain yourself very well, and show this to both a psychiatrist and a counselor (preferably), or whichever one you can get an appointment with.
You should be eligible for help. You shouldn’t have to do this alone. Once you get a chance to breathe for a bit, you can start deciding what your next step should be, ideally with the help of a counselor of some sort.
By the way, ******** seems downright impossible to come by, otherwise it would be my first choice, too. I think the glory days of finding it from Mexican suppliers are long gone, and since demand has gone up and suppliers have become non-existent, it leaves the door wide open for scammers and con artists to exploit the vulnerable and the desperate.
Your self-description does generally point toward bipolar or cyclothymia, but of course you’d need an evaluation with a skilled, properly credentialed professional to know for sure.
At the very least, put yourself in contact with people who can acknowledge that you need some help, and will work with you to figure what your best options are. And if you find it helpful, please keep posting here.
Yeah it does sound like you have your hands full with issues. some big issues
Well I would try to see a Psychiatrist. they can really help. Meds help a lot of people
including me. They can take the edge off your depression and help you to have a
clearer mind to make better decisions and not be so clouded buy negative feelings
or harmful thoughts.
“I am a single mother to a 3 year old boy”
Suicide is not to you, you have a responsibility here
Interesting name
00Ghost27,
Anunnaki is right – the thought process ends with the fact that you have a three-year-old child who needs you.
It’s unfortunate that you must spend so much time away from your son, but it is an unfortunate reality for many parents who are working and/or attending school to provide a better future for them and their children.
I hope you can find a way to go back to school, but if you feel you need a break at the moment, I think it’s a good choice to step away for a while. I concur with others’ suggestions here that you should seek out a therapist or counselor. They may be able to help you sort through some of the overwhelmingness you are feeling. All the best to you.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Thanks for all your comments.
I am 30 years old. Struggling with feelings of very low self esteem since my mid teens thanks to bullying at school then a succession of abusive relationships. I am aware that everything I say sounds like self pitying whiny bullshit and, as I often feel like I am viewing myself as a third party, I just want to give myself a slap and tell myself to wisen up. Then it comes out before I can stop myself. Clearly attracting men who prey on this vulnerability.
My son barely knows me. I am pretty sure he would prefer to live with his grandparents anyway.
My friend has insisted we visit the doctor on monday. At least 2 people this week have questioned her on whether I could be bipolar so she’s making me find out for sure.
00ghost27, I hope your doctor visit went well, and that you were able to express to him/her what you’ve expressed here on SP.