Death feels like my only option for peace…

I am so lost in this world, I have been alone for a lot of my life, and it has made me shy and quiet when it comes to meeting women. I have dated here and there but things never go well, and yet I hate being alone. I fell in love about a year ago with a woman, I dated a long time ago. We had a strong connection, and have hadd some really nice times together. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and now that things are falling apart between us, I am more depressed than ever. I will say that I have always been depressed, and have been diagnosed by multiple psychiatrists as bi-polar. Even with this girl at my side I was still in pain, but partly because I know she doesn’t really care about me. She used to love me, but it is clear that she doesnt anymore, and it is still hard for me to let her go, but i have to. I have bad luck as it is, so things don’t usually go well for me, and it is getting harder to keep any hope for the future. I just turned 30 years old, and I have been working out like crazy, and am in the best shape of my life. I often think to myself that I am only constructing a good looking corpse, because I think about suicide everyday, and I have since I was a young kid in middle school. As I get older the pain is getting worse, and I don’t want to live  my life this way anymore. I feel so alone, and hopeless, and I just want to end my life. I always do… I am surrounded by people who care about me, but it doesn’t make me feel better about anything.  I wanted so badly for things to work out with this one girl,as she was the only person I have ever felt like I could spend my life with. The truth is that her beauty makes her self centered, and she is always getting hit on by every guy in the world, so she acts like I am not very important to her anymore. We were dating for almost a year but now as the holidays are approaching I can tell I will spend them alone. I don’t want to hurt anybody, I just want my pain to end, I always feel like I am choking, and my veins are on fire. I am an artist and a deep thinker, which has only seemed to feed my insanity, and despair. The things I love mean nothing, the world is more beautiful than ever before, and my soul rots away more each day. I have always felt that I was destined to kill myself… each day I get closer to giving up on everything and everyone. I dont want to be alone anymore….