I’ve never wrote on one of these sites before, and up until recently I thought I was always capable of overcoming the self loathing I feel every day.
It changed recently, my wife left me and now I can no longer speak with her other than through occasional text messages.
I want to find hope in those messages, but I can’t I spent everyday crying and focusing on my way out of this. I’ve ordered everything I need to leave this world except my gas which will be coming soon.
She wanted me to get help and now I am it doesn’t seem to be enough. People keep telling me i need to wait and work through it but I can’t see any light anywhere.
I don’t think I’ll be here beyond Xmas and that is the most comforting thought I have. Work has sent me away because I couldn’t stop crying about my wife at my desk, so I have nothing. She told me to be strong and not lose my job but I can’t be strong if I never get to speak with her.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this and rambling, I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’m sorry.
I can’t even cut myself anymore, I used to do it so often and now i don’t even have the energy to do that. I’m waiting to die I just want the trigger to happen. I haven’t eaten for 5 days now, I can’t bring myself to eat anything or barely drink. I’m worthless and need this to end.
I’m sorry for wasting your time, I just needed to speak.
9 comments
You’re not wasting anybody’s time. A family separation is a pretty overpowering event. The lack of communication certainly isn’t helping. You mentioned getting help and that’s definitely a good idea. Perhaps meeting with a therapist or support group will help you push through this. It might be helpful to identify the issues that created a barrier in your relationship. That will help you as you move forward. If you work has an Employee Assistance Program, give them a call. Use whatever resources are available to you. Not only will using a variety of resources benefit you, they may help keep you busy and distract you while in the early stages of coping with the situation.
Get yourself something to eat so you have some energy and can think clearly. Not eating affects so many aspects of your body and can make things much more difficult. I speak from experience on that. Even if it’s $1 burger at McDonald’s, try to eat something. The same thing with liquids. Your body needs them. Get the worthless thoughts out of your head and remember that you can’t control the actions of others. You can deal with the aftermath and prepare yourself for moving forward. As hard as it might be right now, try to maintain the faith. There is often sun after the storm.
I started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist appointment is booked. I wanted to do it to show i wanted to change myself and be better, but she’s still not here. I can’t live without her, she is all I had or ever wanted.
I gave up everything to be with her, moved countries, gave up my doctorate but because I hated myself I failed and pushed her away. I’ve prepared my will and arranged everything to go to her it’s the last thing I can do to prove I care even if I failed.
I’m so sorry.
I think that you’re stronger than you think. If you can move countries, adjust to new surroundings, and begin a doctorate program (even if you left it), then you certainly have potential in life. Give yourself some credit. It might take some time and effort but you could probably adjust your life so things are more comfortable. Maybe going back to school would be a step in the right direction. Keep seeing the psychologist and await the psychiatrist appointment. It doesn’t seem like there is too much to lose in doing so. You haven’t failed. Life has opened your eyes for a little bit but that happens to all of us.
No need to be sorry. You’re human. Things happen. Just don’t give up.
I don’t think I can say anything that distant road hasn’t already said. He wrote very good advice. And you are not wasting anyone’s time, this is exactly why this site is here, to share when you feel like suicide is the only option. You can find hope again. Just give it some time.
Thank you, I want to find hope in the messages I got. The psychologist said they showed she cared but need time. My stupid head can’t accept it though, I keep having it go around my head wanting to just end it. I feel so bad about everything I’ve done.
I hate myself so much, I did before all of this and now I hate myself even more. It feels like I should just burn or choke or anything. Every night now I go to sleep wishing I could not wake up or find out I had something that would kill me.
I’m sorry I keep replying, you people are very kind to listen to my stupidity. All I can do is cry and think about dying. I tired to sleep but I can’t they gave me Valium and tamazepam but even taking them I’m so anxious I don’t sleep or I wake up after only a few hours.
If I die then at least my insurance and everything will ensure she has a good life that I can’t ruin anymore. I’m sorry my thoughts are so jumbled i have no one to talk to I just keep writing.
You say you should find something in the messages, then I feel you should take from your wife the message of trying to be strong and don’t lose your job, to do so would further your struggle. To want the problems we face to just go away, death would allow that to happen, but I feel it’s better to try and fight the circumstances that put us there, by seeing a psychiatrist you seem to be agreeing to some degree. Keeping nourished is important so please keep eating and drinking. Don’t worry about posting here, you need to talk and SP is a good place for that, you can post as much as you like, as you need, to sort through your problems. I hope you can see a way forward in life, please see that suicide is not the answer, but time and talking is a way through this.
dear lost, i used starvation as a method. its slow, miserable, and not real effective. nor is it one i will try again. i have learned that the effects of starvation and malnoutrition are long lasting. that attempt was 3 years ago, and im still way underweight, shaky and jittery,energy comes in spurts and dimenishes quickly. labored breathing, and stress on the heart. if you feel bad now, no food will make you feel worse. yeah, i want to die too, just not that way.living with the damage i did to myself is tough. no one to blame but me, though. now, im waiting on my food stamps. i get strange looks when i say its going to be nice to eat again. but it is. please keep trying as i know you can get past this. peace to you
Thank you for your time. I want to struggle through, she said she wasn’t ready for relationship counseling at this time and wanted mediation first. She still seems to care but I can’t keep going on like this alone.
I have our pets and I’m scared I can’t look after those either. If I speak to her I’m scared I’ll push her further away, all I have left is sleep. I think I’ve already lost my job now they just haven’t confirmed it but I could see it in their eyes and in the email I got this morning.
I’m sorry that you seem to be spirilling downwards like this, the good thing is that you want to turn it around. It’s hard to hold down a job when your minds elsewhere, the split with your wife, I hope they will still understand and keep you. You feel your wife still cares, and the messages indicate that she does, but she seem to be keeping a distance for now. You can’t push her into helping you through this, but you can’t seem to do it alone, I hope the psychiatrist can help in this regard, I hope because I believe you can have a future.