but myself. I can pretend like I enjoy this existence again but I am exhausted doing it. I went out with my grandmother yesterday and she bought groceries. She was happy to see that some since of normality has come back. It has not and she acts like she doesn’t notice. I am really the walking dead. Not as clever as I once were. The dark has always been comforting and this is my comfort zone. Suicide project. I am not holding out for miracles, much more logical than that. I am expecting the darkness to come again, My body has gotten adjusted to it and the light is killing me, that would be nice right about now. (still on the great rock)
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4 comments
It can be really exhausting trying to put on a happy face for everyone. At a certain point, you’ll burn yourself out. Things that get bottled inside for a long period of time can really hurt you. If you’re expecting the darkness to come again, maybe now is a good time to get some help? Perhaps there is a therapist or someone in your community you can speak with? The support might give you some strength and make it easier than dealing with things on your own. The dark clouds can break up and the sun might appear. The first step might be asking for help.
It’s hard to be dealing with depression when whose around you either don’t notice or prefer not to. It’s not good to keep it inside, you’ll became more and more desperate; it’ll lead you to make some unwise choices in a desperate bid to end it with anything to hand. Looking at your previous post about antifreeze, it’s sad to read, you must have been so desperate to die. Before the darkness comes, I hope you do reach out for help.
the darkness is familiar and comforting. the light is new and bright. it takes time to adjust to the light. their were many times i went back to the darkness for a rest. i prefer the light, now. yes, the darkness returns, but i know it will eventually leave, and the light will return. try the light for a while and try to adjust to it. the darkness is not going anywhere. you can return to it at any time.
Not looking to be “cured” That is silly, I’ve seen the bare bones of reality and I can’t go back to pretending that it’s fine. I should be dead and trying to keep on like it matters is ignorance. Only reason I’m still here is because my sister and her daughter needs somewhere to stay. I would try again but I don’t want her homeless. How shitty is that? I’m all she has left?