One year ago, I would’ve never thought I’d go this far, now I’m scared of the future

ASL: 17, Male, German

I always used to be the person that had a hand in “saving” all my suicidal friends. Not to try and boast about it, in fact, I have no idea how I did it, but according to those friends, they wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t listened to them and helped them back then. I used to be strong and have a lot of friends that appreciated me a lot for what I did for them.

Skip forward a year or two and here I am, today, wondering how I’m going to get over my fear of death so I can finally put an end my life. I always used to be disgusted at the idea of cutting oneself, now I do it myself from time to time. I thought I’d never want to die because life is awesome and everyone who thinks differently just didn’t learn to appreciate it – Nowadays, I’m hoping that I’ll catch some incurable disease. And the worst part is that it’s all my fault.

All this didn’t happen until a few months ago. I was happy in my current relationship. I had slowly been losing friends here and there already, but I didn’t really mind, I had her. But then I screwed everything up. I hurt her in ways I will never be able to forgive myself… Not violence or anything, but mental abuse. I was being pushy about sex (again, only on a communication level). I didn’t appreciate her enough. She felt like she could never enough for me… And of course, one day, she left me. Now I’m here, missing her, still loving her just as much after a few weeks. I want her back so bad, but I can’t fight for her, I don’t deserve her, she’s perfect and I’m the worst person anyone could ever want to have a relationship with. She isn’t attracted to me at all anymore, anyway, I’d have to start from scratch. I don’t have the energy for that anymore. I feel like I’m not going to be able to love anyone else for a very long time, because the breakup is all on me and all my fault, she never did anything bad, I have no reason to stop loving her. She’s even still super friendly to me now, even though she has every last reason to hate me.
I don’t have many friends anymore, either, mostly because I’m boring. I don’t like parties, I don’t do any kind of drugs (not even drinking), the video games I play are mostly Nintendo games, I’m not attractive, I’m overweight and I don’t talk about many of the same topics that most people do.

Now, the two friends I do have left to talk to and help me… I love them a lot and I’d not know what to do without them, but… One of them lives all the way in the States (I live in Berlin, Germany) and has a very busy life, so between timezones, her real life (school and friends), my real life (work and family) and some other factors, she isn’t able to be there for me all the time and vice versa, we rarely even get to skype. The other one does live here in Berlin, but she’s always busy, too, and even worse, she’s at a much later “stage” of depression and suicide thoughts than I am… The last time I’ve seen her in person was more than two months ago even though we live fairly close together and we both want to meet up. Additionally, when talking to her, I almost have a bit of a “reverse inferiority complex”, I feel like my problems don’t matter when I hear about hers, my life isn’t as shitty so I should just shut up. Her sister is in closed therapy because of anorexia, her best friend commited suicide two years ago… My “problems” are no match, I have no right to complain.

So at this point, I feel like unless I get super lucky, which I never really do, I won’t find enjoyment in my life for a long time. I’m too lonely for anything to matter. I fantasize about being dead a lot, but I can’t do it. I don’t want to put that kind of burden on everyone who cares about me and I fear death too much. I want to die, but my animal instincts are telling me not to. I make everything harder for my friends and family, they’d be much better off without me. My out would be some kind of fatal, incurable disease. It’d not be my responsibility, I wouldn’t have to do it myself and in the end, it’ll be better for everyone. I’ve also thought about running away, but I wouldn’t know what to do on my own as I’m only 17. I’ve written a farewell letter just to know what it feels like. I’m basically in purgatory right now and I feel like I’m slowly going insane.

I don’t know if what I wrote really belongs here. If it doesn’t, the admins/mods/whatever can delete it. At least it felt kind of relieving to write my feelings down for once. If this stays up, thanks to everyone who takes the time out of their day to read this.