Renewing Plans?

After a very long, rough, antagonizing night of my indecision to commit suicide to be with my lost fiance’ I’ve decided to stay. It was the first time since the night I found out he died the I had truly sat down and wrote letters to my family, to my best and only friend, and to the man who has been trying to pick me back up since I have fallen saying goodbye and how much I really loved them and didn’t want them to hurt. So to say it was for attention would be a lie. I don’t much like attention although for some reason i suffer from add/addhd. (beside the point) What stopped me was that I started thinking about the pain I felt when I lost Gerry. The pure emptiness I feel when I look at a picture of him or see someone who looks like him pass me by, or even when I hear his name. And then I thought of how many times I’ve said I’d never do that to my family (because I’ve had problems in the past I’ll get to later). Then I thought of the feeling I had the night i found out Gerry had killed himself. I remembered falling to the ground and screaming. I don’t recall how long I screamed or what exactly I screamed all I can remember was saying things like “no” and “why” and “i love you”. I thought of how life changing that experience was for me. And I realized I could never do that to someone I cared for so much. So I renewed my plans. I’ve gone to counselors, I’ve been to psychologists, therapists, any kind of mental doctor you can think of to help you cope with mental disorders I can bet I’ve been to. I’ve taken drugs to help with depression, I’ve taken drugs to help with bipolar disorder, I’ve taken drugs to help with schizophrenia, none have much worked for me, so I’m going to try this site…I’m going to try the suicide project. I want to write to people and talk to people with similar problems and people who have been through similar situations and see what they have done and thought about. A lot of people say things don’t get better…From what I’ve seen they don’t. A lot of people say things do get better… I’m hoping things will.