I thought things were getting better, but it was just my mind’s way of getting a run-up to kick me in the balls again. I want to smash the bottle in front of me and cut myself to shit, grab my huge (and evergrowing) bag of failed meds and take the lot, kick down my door, smash out the bathroom window and climb up onto the rooftop and scream and shout and cry in one final act of defiance to the world. But I wont. Ill just sit here and smoke my problems away, like I always do. That’s why I’m such a useless piece of shit, I always just smoke myself away to deal with anything. Its just over ten years since the last time I cut myself, it seems like yesterday.. but I’m way ugly enough without additional scar tissue. I feel so lost. So, so lost. The world seems like such a bizarre and scary place right now, but people see me and say how much better I look, how on earth can they tell? I don’t want to be me any more please. I want to go home. I don’t belong here. I just want to go home, wherever that is. When can I go home please?
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Sorry things are going like this for you hatter. hugs
Thanks Whispers, definitely appreciate the hug 🙂
When one of regulars doesn’t come on as often I always hope they are doing well. Sorry you feel lost. At least here we can be lost together eh? 🙂
Same here, you gotta hope eh? Thanks for the friendly voice, it means a lot 🙂
You reminded me of a friend I used to have, we would sometimes walk places together and end up following each other at the same time and get totally lost, but it was cool because at least we were lost with each other.. being lost together is always better 🙂
Death isn’t a bad thing. When we die, we go home. Back to being embraced by pure love, pure positive universal energy. We go in and out of lives all the time. There is no beginning, no end. If you don’t want to live this one, then don’t. It’s not wrong to kill yourself. It feels great, actually.
hey man i know it sucks rn but you promised me you promised my youd tell me if you were gunna do it. i havent been able to get a hold of you all day just, just let me know your okay you dont have to talk just post something. i gotta know if your ok xx
Please don’t worry my dear friend and sponsor – ill uphold my side of the promise and let you know before I hurt myself. I love you man xx
its just suck a relief to hear from you, love ya too manxx
Smoking problems away sounds familiar. It was a hell of a time to eventually stop doing that (seld medicating) but I can’t tell you how much of a relief it was. It was my only escape and my self esteem was too shot out to consider things getting any better. I got professional help and was finally able to hear that my escape was exponentially multiplying the depression and getting in the way of confronting my pain. Masking the soul. I still feel a lot of pain and lack of purpose, and contemplate suicide too much, BUT it was way worse when I was smoking and getting wasted. It would all have been over a long time ago. Anyway, all the best to you and I hope you find other ways to feel better and heal the pain.
Sad to read how you feel, The Mad Hatter, I feel like screaming and shouting out too, let those around me know my hidden anguish that rips around inside me. So sorry for you, to feel better and to realise it was only a temporary thing, and just a sense of being lost remains, it’s got to be hard to take. No words I can put down can give much hope other than, you’re not alone to want an end to the misery that life give us, but here we try to find a way through it, if we can, please keep trying.