I guess many can say I’m overreacting. Many would say the cliche “there’s plenty of fish in the sea”. But I am done.
21 years of my life someone actually returned their feelings. Someone made me happy. We were in love.
I have been used, manipulated, led on and abandoned. But this person…they weren’t anything like that.
They were innocent. They weren’t capable to do such things. But my past hurt, and my mental illness drove us apart and I feel much worse than before.
I was suicidal and planned but they came into my life and saved me. They picked up the pieces and glued me together. But fucked up things happened and I swirled back to depression. Happiness didn’t last long. My love fell out of love with me. They no longer wanted to be together with me.
“Just friends”.
But treated me with such indifference.
I wanted to prove my worth and pulled my shit together. I kept trying to persuade them to give me another chance. But they rejected me. They no longer cared about my well being. They just didn’t care anymore. I was nothing.
I am very unhappy feeling empty. No one will understand how much this person means to me. Ever fell in love with someone you never met? You fell in love with their voice and their personality… and they saw interest in you. They were kind and sweet. I would accept them no matter what they liked like and then when you knew what they looked like they were the most beautiful person you ever saw that you find yourself not being able to be attracted to other people’s looks? That’s how my heart works. I can’t find myself to be interested in anyone else because of how magical we met. Then God or something played a cruel joke on me and took them away and have them abandoned me and made me feel very unimportant. My heart ached ever since September 2014. I am done.
I will silence this heart. I got a plan. Something sharp.
On the day that lovers celebrate.
I’m only 22. Such sadness. I prayed. I tried to be positive and live. But I am suffering. I want peace.
Please give me peace.
16 comments
You sound just like me. My partner and I parted ways less than a month ago. I have never felt a pain so intense in my entire life. It is incomparable to anything else that has every happened to me. I don’t really have any advice for you, as I am going through similar feelings right now. However, I wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone. If you’d like to talk about how you feel, I may be able to relate.
Thanks for your response. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I’ve tried to pull my life together and change to prove to my love that I can get better. When I asked for anither chance in December, they needed time to think about it. They ignored me for a whole week and I got really bad anxiety attacks. They rejected me the day after new years and now I’m so lost. The person wasn’t kind. They didn’t even try to make sure I was okay. They didn’t want to try being my friend. They know how much I love them. They never bothered to text me.
I can add more but I’m afraid someone will find me here.
After being ignored many times, I left the most nastiest and meanest message I could and never went back online the instant messenger. It was the only way I can stop feeling anxious and leave them…I knew that by pressing enter I have crossed the point of no return. Admittedly, the stuff I said made me feep better because I bottled it so long of how angry and hurt they made me feel. They just suddenly stop loving me because I was going through a hard time. All I ever wanted was a nice small gesture that they cares for me and my well being. But all they cared about was playing video games lol. They chose games over me. How fricked up is that xD.
I’m so heartbroken. I thought I was a good person. I tried so hard to be as happy as I could because I thought that being positive would help me attract more positive things. I was a loyal and faithful partner. And I wanted to make my partner happy. I just wish I could go back in time to fix all the little fights we had. We could’ve still be together today if I was stronger back then. Thanks for listening to me. May I know what your story is?
I can relate. I am bipolar, and I am on medication. That medication made it hard for me to connect with people because one of the temporary side effects is apathy. My partner waited for me to go through the stages of the meds, but I couldn’t snap out of it fast enough. She left me because I needed some space to figure stuff out. I think of her every day. I love her more than anything or anyone. I feel that if I got better sooner that we’d still be together. If only I could change history….
I feel like there is still a chance for you two. It’s only been a month, correct? I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s very painful spending days without her and all you can think is about her, right? A week feels like a month and a month feels like years. Time feels so slow amd the day just seems restless. I really hope the best comes for you though. I am hoping she will come back to you.
I don’t have much hope that our reunion will ever happen. How about you; do you have hope in your situation? For a better tomorrow and so on?
I don’t think so. They’ve never cared for my well being when I disappeared for two weeks in October. So after my mean message, I highly doubt they cared at all.
it questioned whether or not if I was even loved truley in the first place. There were broken promises how much they “would love me forever”, or “even if we break up alI I’ll still be your supportive friend because I worry about you a lot”.
Nah they give me indifference. They treated me like I was just a friend nothing more nothing less. So basically I’m given attention to like dirt as they frolic to other friends to play video games.
I feel like a stupid adult. That cares so much for this person while I am like a speck of dust to them.
Gee I wish I could off myself a lot sooner but I’m trying to see if anything gets better before the “date”…I want to see how truly forsaken I am. (Sorry for the gloom, remembering gets my blood boiling xD)
II know that I keep saying this, but I feel like our situations are so, so similar. Is it possible that your ex partner had a mood or personality disorder? Sometimes those sorts of things can really alter the way a person reacts to you and your emotions. I know my ex partner and I both suffer from different disorders, which hindered our ability to communicate effectively sometimes. Maybe your ex partner does miss you and they are coping through those actions. I can’t say that is the case because I don’t know them.
I have thought about ending my own life everyday since, what I will refer as, ‘the day.’ I feel like I build up the courage to finally do it, and then something happens that makes me doubt my ability to go through with it; a little ray of hope, and invite out to a party; someone text me something nice. It’s a cycle. The problem with people such as us is that we have a hard time finding a way to break that cycle. It’s so difficult.
Oh gosh I had to approve your message to see it (dangit dashboard y u do dis)
I don’t think so but then again my partner does hide things. They eventually told me they started cutting again while we dated and that really upsetted me cuz they were in so much anxiety at the time they wanted to kill themselves. I was horrified they told me this story right after I broke up with them (my mind wasn’t clear at the time and wanted to end it with them but I apologized so many times).
And dude. Same here. The moment I want to do it, something comes up and I feel a small pang of “hey maybe living isn’t so bad…” then the shitty feels come back like the next day. Sometimes I wish we can break this cycle and just get happy you know? Maybe an amnesia pill might be nice to forget the pain. I feel ya man.
I don’t think you are overreacting, being abandoned and then rejected is never nice (actually is one of the worse things i’ve felt), but you said it yourself, that person doesn’t seem to show much love for you (and you said he/she never cared when you disappeared either). Unless there’s a good hidden reason why he/she is being so indifferent, most likely he/she just turned the page and continued with life without giving it much thought (which sucks.. but sadly it’s pretty common).
Most people say the same things “i will love you forever” and “if we break up we’ll be friends”… and even if they mean it in the moment, most of the time it turns into pure bs. I’ve heard it every single time, and every single time they ended up turning into broken promises (and i’ve had my fair share of tries). You don’t have to feel stupid for caring tho, i guess you can only try to stop caring for your own sake.
Hey there. Thanks for your response.
Yeah…I mean I wouldn’t expect it from someone I consider to be a very innocent person. They were kind and helpful. And they told me they never had feelings before as if I gave them emotions.
Age is obviously confidential but, I thought they were mature enough and knew better to not make false promises like that. I feel like they were influenced by external factors. We both lived in the opposite side of the country and people these days gets heavily influenced by shows, peers, and people we hang around with at school etc.
We were like best friends. I don’t understand what happened? It was as if someone possessed them and they became a whole different person. Void of emotion…and recently I was thinking maybe this is an early stage of them becoming a sociopath? But it shouldn’t be because they do have a concern for their friends and I’ve seen them cry and all sorts of emotions.
I feel like I’m cursed you know? Everyone that is important to me somehow in some strange way move, stopped being friends with me, or abandoned me.
I’m a spiritual person so I often feel like I’m being punished. As if karna followed me from my previous life. I must’ve broken a lot of hearts or something. Lol
sorry for the rant.
What’s your story by the way?
Jesus… it was funny reading your post since you described most of my last “story” (which made the “what’s your story” even funnier). I kinda went through the same thing you describe, including an age gap and supposedly external influence. I too wondered back then if that person was becoming a sociopath because it’s like you describe, from best friends/couple to indifference and giving out 0 chances of fixing things. The only difference i can think of is that in my case the person moved (lived nearby) and then things changed (plus i got really sick, that increased my depression, etc). Maybe it’s an age thing? that’s what i figured out back then, since a friend went through something pretty similar too. Innocence does fade with age and priorities/set of mind changes a lot too, so at least to me it makes sense.
I relate to the feeling i’m cursed thing too, been thinking that for years. Whenever i cared about people they disappeared one way or another. Eventually i reached the point i’m at now, in which i try not to involve myself too much into any relationship of any kind, since i feel like that “curse” will strike again. That way i don’t hurt other people and i don’t continue hurting myself.
That and being frustrated about life in general (health issues, hating my going-nowhere-career, etc) is a good short version of my story, lol.
Awh man. Friend if I could, I would give you hugs. I suppose I feel a bit relieved there’s someone who understands me. Bloody curse.
Oh yeah, so like, my family likes to make fun of my weight. Which contributed to me being paranoid that my partner was probably not attracted to me anymore (influenced heavily on paranoia) so I lost like 25lbs and my health improved. Kinda sucked when I had my ex as motivation. Cuz I actually believed that if I showed them I’m getting better in increasing my self confidence, they might take me baaaack. Lol no. (Oh yeah also I finally got my driver’s license and stopped getting lazy//basically trying to get my life together, going back to school).
viva being asexual (or shall I say potatoe)
cuz love is just a mess man.
But I really wish you the best.
Maybe the curse will be lifted someday.
Having hope is so good and so bad at the same time. It sucks. I am sending you both virtual hugs. It feels good to be able to express myself and relate to people. I feel as though no one else really understands what I am going through.
Do you both feel as though you have to keep your mind constantly busy in order to not think about what you are going through? I do, and it is utterly exhausting.
All the time. I distract myself with youtube vids to get some laughs here and there and when it’s over the surging feeling comes back. I have gotten to the point where I couldn’t draw efficiently because I actually think while I draw (memories come back etc) and I get mentally exhausted within 5 minutes.
School’s coming (spring semester in January, complete BS) and I’m not sure how to handle that. 14 units on top of it.
I give you a hug bro. -hugs-
I have 17 credits and a full time job. I’m hoping that it will all keep me busy enough so I won’t have time to think. It’s rough trying to concentrate on things that I enjoy because they don’t take much effort, and I think about her. It’s a battle that I’m losing, that’s for sure. Netflix helps me. I dedfinately recommend getting an account if possible.
Hi pomegranateheart,
this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think you are judging him too harshly. I was in a relationship with a girl until recently. She too had been hurt a lot and reminds me of you. I was kind, loving and innocent. She was my second girlfriend and I didn’t know a lot about relationships. I stayed with here for almost 2 years. At first she kept me distance which hurt me a lot. It took her over a year to let me be close to her. During all that time I was doubting my self worth and didn’t feel like she hearing me and my needs at all. I begged here to go to therapy so I didn’t have to carry the burden of her past alone, but she only promised to go and never did.
I got more and more depressed and when I told her I didn’t want to live any more she told me she could not take me seriously if I said things like that.
A few weeks ago I decided for myself that if I ever wanted to be happy I had to leave and left our apartment. She promised to change and be better. So I came back for a few days and she was different at first but things were back to normal pretty fast.
Now I’m gone again and I don’t want to talk to her for a while. She needs to learn to be on her own without relying on me. I know it’s hurting her and it hurts me too. But I can’t be with her anymore without losing myself and I don’t think she would be happier if I stayed and killed myself eventually. But I hate myself for hurting her.
I worry about her but there is nothing I can do for here anymore.
What I wanted to say is: don’t assume he is hurting you intentionally. I really don’t think he is. He has his own problems.
I hope you will get better soon.