Everyday I get up and I go to work or I clean my house and all the while I’m faking a smile.
It’s not much but it’s hard and it’s leaving its mark.
I pretend I don’t hurt because that’s what they deserve, but the pain never fades and my guilt only stays.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try to atone for my sins because the slate can never truly be cleaned.
There’s this pit in my stomach and my conscience is grim.
How can I be happy when you always remind me of my sins.
These transgressions pull at me and when I’m alone all I can do is remember my mistakes.
Every one has carved it’s way through my soul and tortured my heart, you’d think I’d be cold and immune to the hurt.
But the walls still crumble and the pain still finds its way and no matter how much I say I’m okay it’s only for today.
3 comments
it never ceases to amaze me how isolated we all feel, wholeheartedly believing no one understands, couldn’t possibly, because we ourselves dont fully understand what exactly, or even tell for certain why, we feel the way we do..we’re stuck in our own little boxes, our self inflicted prisons, refusing to take of our hair shirts (17th century monks used to wear shirts made of metal shavings and rough wool, for atonement, or to fill some masacistic need, you decide…..{i’m not defining this for you bc i think ur stupid, just notta well known phrase}) but i can completely relate, and in my experience, i stayed in my lane, dug myself deeper down in my rutt, until everyhing became static, people, emotions, everything, i was mechanically operating on cruise control, even untill i eventually lost myself completely, i forgot who the fuck i was completely….i’m still lost, still looking…..but i am looking, i think that’s what i need to focus on…i am an avid lover of music, i wanna post some songs for you that mite help….if thats ok with you
and a helpful quote “we were born to sin, WE were BORN to sin; we don’t think we’re special sir, we know everybody is…..i cant’t read my lover, can’t barely see her; her eyes can barely weep, her lips can barely speak; i can see she’s afraid, that’s why we’re escaping! so we don’t have to lie, we won’t have to deny our dirty gods; our dirty bodies!!!”
I’d love to explore new Music CA I’m trying new things to pull out of this constant mundane existence of pretending everthings okay, I’ve cut my hours at work a place which is literally hell on earth for me and I’m getting back in college so I can hopefully get a better job so I am trying, it just all feels like it’s never enough.