Fear is my problem. I’ve always thought that I have the mind to be dominant in any venture I choose, if not for my withdrawn nature. ‘Shy’ has been my label for as long as I can remember, but now it’s apparent to me that fear is what holds me back. I’m completely crippled by fear, unable to make life progress that involves going outside my comfort zone. I should note that the psychological blocks in my mind are really the only thing the matter with me; I live a pretty charmed life. Everything I want is within my grasp, I just need to find the courage to close my fist around my desires.
Case in point: Today, I had the PERFECT opportunity to ask out a co-worker that I’ve been pining for. 95% of the staff is on holiday and I had all day to speak to her without the worry of interruption or eavesdropping. All I had to do was walk over to her desk and say “Are you doing anything tonight? Wanna grab a drink after work?” All freaking day she’s been alone in her corner of the office and I made no attempt to go talk to her. We spoke a few times in the kitchen, small talk, but that’s it. I didn’t pull the trigger. I could have, but didn’t.
I have all the opportunity, all the time in the world to ask this girl out, but I never do it. Even when the office is lively with the commotion of the work day, her desk is far enough away from the heavy traffic areas that I could stop by her cubicle at any time and have all the privacy I need. I’m 49% sure that she’ll say yes because we get along and I make her laugh and she likes black guys. I can do it, but I never do. All I ever do is choke, and then resound myself to trying again the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
Eventually, she’s going to hop on another cock (if she hasn’t already) and I’ll be shit out of luck (as I usually am). It would have been so easy to just go to her desk, and now I have the whole weekend to dwell on what a coward I am. It’s not about the girl, since she’s just 1 out of a few billion. It’s the fact that all I do is choke. When I’m talking to women, going on job interviews, looking for apartments, ordering food at a restaurant, answering the phone.. I get completely frazzled and go into survival mode (smile and agree with everything until I can escape to the safety of my comfort zone).
The fear is strong within me. I usually know what I want to say in any given situation, but I freeze up as soon as other people acknowledge my existence, like a cockroach looking for a crevice when the lights come on. When I feel others looking upon me, the weight of their gaze brings me to my knees. This doesn’t sound normal. It sounds like I’m dealing with something abnormal, or maybe I’m just a weakling, one of evolutions cast offs.
It’s not so bad. I couldn’t get laid to save my life, but at least I have a job, some savings, my health, complete lack of financial debt, no burdensome responsibilities, no STDs, centralized bachelor apartment filled with all my toys and gizmos, and a strong sense of self. I wish that speaking to others came a lot easier to me, but I guess that’s just my cross to bear. I worry that if I can’t do something as simple as ask a woman to share a drink or meal with me, then I’ll never become the business mogul that I strive to be.
I don’t expect any comments since this is mostly brain poop, but if anybody has any suggestions for overcoming seemingly insurmountable fear, then I’m all ears.
2 comments
Oh, hey there. Responding because I could have wrote this (as I’m sure many others could have). Anxiety/fear of being judged negatively, rejected…it sucks. I have terrible physical reactions to the thought. But what has helped me is the idea of impermanence. When I die, no one is going to remember the time I called a girl hoping to have a friendly chat and she asked me what I wanted in a tone that sounded like she’d rather shove bamboo shoots into her nail beds than talk to me. Quite the soul-destroying experience at the time, but at current? It’s whatever. She probably doesn’t even remember she did that so what’s the use agonizing over it, yeah?
It’s such a weird, pessimistic way of thinking of things, that none of this matters. There’s really no negative outcome, no mistakes, in how one chooses to live because we all end up the same in the end. “Death, the great equalizer!” and all that jazz.
At least that’s how I do it. I’ve been training myself up for the past few years to to go back to being every bit as mouthy and brash as I was in my youth and I’m enjoying myself, finally saying exactly how I feel instead of letting people manipulate me. You just have to stop worrying about being such a people pleaser and putting people on pedestals where they have all the power and can destroy you somehow because guess what? They can’t. They’re not going to hurt you. They’re nobody. You’re in control. It’s going to make you sick to your stomach the first few times you do it, but the more you do, the easier it becomes.
Hope that made sense.
Hey man 🙂
Thanks for sharing. I can SO relate. I’ve had this all my life, and it has held me back. I did actually try to talk to strangers (esp. women I was attracted to) this summer, and it definitely helped to experience actually doing it. I did end up with some dates.
My recommendation would be:
1) Forget the past. You can’t change it. Forget all the times you’ve wanted to kick yourself for holding back. Let it go.
2) Figure out what it is you want to communicate to these women, and just do it. That’s all it is, really: an act of communication. You evidently know how to say other stuff, talk about other subjects.
3) You can’t control her reaction. No matter how well-prepared, suave, flirty, sexy, funny, handsome, dashing you are, she still might not be interested. You have no power over that, so just forget it.