I don’t know what to do

I have been in this depressed state for as long as I can imagine. I am now 20 years old and have been feeling hopeless ever since I was about 11 or 12. I’ve hated my life since then and nothing has gone right for me. This is the first time on this, making this my first post. I have had such a lonely life for as long as I can imagine and I’ve never felt worse than I do now.

I am basically the black sheep of my entire family. I do not talk to anyone, no on invites me to anything (from my cousins), and whenever there’s a gathering, I actually sometimes lie and say I have to work or study so I don’t get stuck in an awkward situation. Whenever I’m around them I always feel like the outsider looking in or a fish out of water – and this is my family that I’m talking about, not some strangers. So I shouldn’t be feeling like this… right? NOT to mention that I basically have NO friends that I hang out with. So technically, no one in general really invites me anywhere.

Aside from that, my life is going nowhere. I’m currently in my third year in college with $12,000 in loans to pay for, with not a clue or thought about what I want to do with my life anymore. I was majored in something, but only stayed in that so I can “have a major” so I can say that I’m in school. Now I’m taking only one class, was going to drop my entire semester and take the break off to revitalize myself and take the time off to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I work part time at a job that pays minimum wage that I work my ass off for and get treated like shit, but I feel like no one else will hire me even with the skills I’ve learned.

I have been wanting to get the hell out of my house forever and move into an apartment by myself, but in a completely different state. For the longest time, I’ve had the worst and loneliest life anyone could imagine. I have actually gone several summers in a row doing absolutely nothing but laying in bed. I gained several pounds to where I was embarrassed to be seen in public (I wasn’t huge and wasn’t as fat as some may imagine after reading that, but I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin and felt that anything I wore looked like an utter disaster on me and I would be better off wearing a ginormous hoodie and some sweats – even in 100 degree weather). I specifically remember summer vacations after high school where I did nothing but watch TV, eat, and sleep several times throughout the day. Even my family started to realize that I was becoming depressed and I would always lie and say I’m just tired and bored with nothing to do – which was true. While in high school and middle school, I remember always coming home and taking a nap that lasted the entire rest of the day. I got into a really bad habit with that, yet loved it at the same time because I drifted away from reality for a few hours and was happy.

**For those of you who are still reading – sorry for the long post. I just don’t know what else to do.

I remember one time when I was about 13… I actually tried to commit suicide. Crying hysterically, I tried to choke myself out with a belt until I stopped and just slept for the next 2 days staying in my room with no communication with anyone. Needless to say… I actually sometimes regret not doing it because the way I feel now is not how someone would want for their entire life. When I was younger I thought life would be so much better when I get older, but it turns out I’m starting to feel the same way I did when I was my old depressed 14 year old self, and now because I’m more mature and have been through even more, it’s worse.

I’ve never felt lonelier than I do now. My family doesn’t include me in anything, just the other day my cousins were talking about how they were all together hanging out and someone (one that actually cares about me) got mad because they didn’t bother to invite me. I’m 20 years old and I’m not shy, but I don’t feel comfortable around anyone. I have no friends. I don’t hang out with anyone. I dropped all my classes except one (which I’m completely regretting because we just started the semester and I’m already going to just not do any of the assignments and it’s too late to drop). And to make things even more worse, I’m thinking about ending it.

I feel so hopeless now because I know I’m not going to be moving out any time soon. I keep trying to make myself think that in my head I am, and so I take the time looking up apartments and jobs in the city that I would want to do for the rest of my life… doesn’t work. I’ve wanted to start my own blog but have no idea how it’ll take off because I don’t know of anyone that does or how to get in contact with people who do.

I have no job going for me and I make practically no money, I hate living at home; I hate sitting home doing nothing. I have no friends to cheer me up. I don’t EVER go out or hangout with friends or anyone.

This is not the life that I imagined. I have wasted so many years and have missed out on so many opportunities and memories and just everything in general because of how depressed I was. No one to share any experiences with and I feel like I’m just wasting my life right now and honestly.. I just want it all to be over with. I don’t know what to do.