Em,
Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. We need that one person who is always their for us even when it seems like everything we’ve done should turn them against us. And I know you didn’t do much except send out an encouraging text now and then, but you were that person. You were the one who kept me going for this long, who kept me able to get up each morning to face the day. Granted, there were many times when i wanted to die and i could hardly pull myself to my feet and all i could do was lay there, praying for the end that never came. But i always got up. And it was because of you.
I guess knowing you’re gonna die gives you this odd urge to be sentimental about it. I don’t know why. I always knew i was going to die at some point in my life, and yet I never had the urge to write a note like this. But sitting here, tears dried on my cheeks, knowing i’ll be dead in a few hours, makes my life seem less bad then it really was. You’re probably scared of dying, but don’t be i promise you its not scary. By the time you read this i’ll be safely to the other side, wherever and whatever that is. And sitting here as I’m writing this, thinking about the fact that i’ll be gone soon, it’s not that bad. I knew i was gonna die, why does it matter when? Either way, I’ve lived, I’ve Loved, and i’ve fucked up. Either way, I’m leaving behind things I love to death and escaping some things I cant deal with. Death is sad, and its unfair, but it has to happen. And I’m the one thats dying. It’s a lot of pressure, I know. Sorry I’m doing this to you and everyone else….
I love you like a sister Em. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to change that “love” to a “loved” because it’s just wrong. The love still exist, I promise you. Even when I don’t exist, The love still does. So don’t worry, Okay? It’s just me that’s gone. The rest of it is still there. The things i told you, the conversations we had, and the glances we shared. They’re all still real. The only thing that isn’t is me.
I love you tons Em and I’ll miss you and Meg and especially my beautiful princess claudette so fucking much but i just gotta go <3
Much love
2 comments
That’s a tear jerker. I hope you find strength to go on instead of leaving. hugs
I hope you are still with us. It sounds as if you have at least several people in your life who would be crushed by your death, especially the “Em” you speak of, who has evidently helped you a great deal with your problems. It appears that amongst all of the pain you are feeling that you DO have love in your life that is worth continuing on for. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)