Alienation.
The word that I believe best sums up my state of mind as well as any other. I wish I could just feel something- anything.Even anger would be good, but even that eludes me.
I don’t suffer from mood swings, I seem to lack the depressive despair evident in some of the other posters I see on this website, although I feel that I can strongly relate to some of the other posts I see here. I’m not upset about a breakup with my girlfriend of the loss of the of a job- I’ve never had the former to lose and I have managed to hold on to the latter. I am in reasonable, though not ,shape and am not disabled in the physical sense.
By all accounts, I feel like I should be happy. You know, “live life to the fullest,” “you only live once” and all the rest of that self actualizing bullshit.
I can’t say I’m completely and utterly friendless, but my social life is severely lacking. No one ever calls to invite me out, or wants to associate with me outside of the institutional settings of work and college. When to look back at my life over the last 10 years or so, one theme that consistently pops out at me is the fact that I am so isolated. How many thousands of hours have I spent, just sitting alone in my room browsing the internet, just as I am now, feeling constantly dissatisfied with my life. However, unlike those Christian hermits you hear about who isolate themselves in order to get ‘closer to god’, the only revelation I’ve had relates to how shitty & lonely my life is, and the realization that it will never get better.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times that I’ve thought of killing myself. Tried several times as well. I remember at 19, after losing my first full time job and attempting to jump in front of a train. It was an impulsive & ill considered attempt. Needless to say, the driver managed to break in time and I ran off.
Another time, I had an Niktsche style “exit kit” at the ready, but lacked the will to use it.
A third attempt involved the “detergent method” and a small hatch backed car. I had an experience extremely similar to that of the other commenter “bookend” in another post, sans the hallucinations. Let me just say that “slaughterhouse sledgehammer” is a pretty apt description of the sudden onset of unconsciousness that is caused by the gas produced from this reaction. If I’d actually been serious about this attempt & not panicked as I began to feel dizzy, I reckon I’d be either a vegetable or a pile of ashes in an urn on someone’s mantlepiece right now.
I am proud to say that I haven’t received any medical attention ensuing from these attempts one of my worst fears if being sectioned under some sort of mental health legislation. I’m also a 100 believer in the concept of “rational suicide,” although this concept isn’t applicable to all of my tempts.
I often hear talk from “suicide experts” in the MSM, who will insist that most suicide attempts are impulsive, that 90% of suicides can be attributed to “Mental illness ” ( VERY broadly defined) and that most people who attempt suicide come to regret it later. I don’t think that this is very much relevant to me, as it implies that all mental illness is treatable (which isn’t really the case for me) and the fact that the only thing I really regret about my attempts is that they didn’t work as attended.
P.S hope I didn’t breach site policy in discussing these methods. Also, the email address is fake and I am using a proxy to post this. Is there any chance of this post being traced back to me?
5 comments
Going solely off your post, the only difference between you and me is that I decided to push my reason-based, emotionally uninvolved suicide plans back a few decades. (That is the plan, at least.)
Thanks for the reply! One criticism I will make of my past attempts is that they used methods that had a low lethality, indicating ai insufficient lack desire to die on my part.
Although my problems stem from a neurological (not psychological) base, and thus largely irremediable, I can’t shake off the feeling that my suicidal thoughts can’t be changed through some combination of the usual medication/CBT, or that my life is going to magically become more enjoyable for me (but it really won’t, and I understand this.)
I literally cannot conceive of a future in which I am alive in 50 or so more years is incomprehensible. The last decade or so has been very difficult me, the idea of living for twice as long as I already have feels like a literal life sentence in prison.
I couldn’t see myself in the future either. I stopped trying. “I will do what I can now. If I live for 5 or 50 more years it doesn’t matter. Death is always an available option. It’s going to happen eventually. When I’m ready I won’t hesitate. If I hesitate, I’m not ready.” I’m not in such a rush these days. I’m starting to mature a little.
May I ask what your neurological problems are?
Sorry for the late reply.
Right hemisphere related problems, ocular-motor deficits & vestibular deficits (neurological soft signs.) I was diagnosed with these as a child. Look up ‘right hemisphere deficit syndrome’ on Google scholar if you want more answers. I also suffer from a discrepancy between my verbal and nonverbal IQ subscales. I was born with these problems & they are going to remain with me for the rest of my life. I would think that anyone who has neuro-psychiatric issues like this will understand what it is like. I’m fairly socially inept as well- people of the opposite gender steer well clear of me, for example.
I hate to seem like I am whining here: I really don’t talk to anyone about my personal problems in real life.
Indeed, I only really came to this site because I thought that immersing myself in an environemnet with a lot of ‘pro suicide propanganda’ would help me get rid of any preconceived moral issues I had with suicide. I don’t have this problem anymore, however. I can feel my resolve hardening & am really just looking for advice on suicide techniques, such as hanging.
Those hermits were meditating, though. Granted, who meditates when there’s internet?