I’ve never posted on here but I’ve been on here for a few days. I’ve been debating on telling my story, so I’m just going so say a little bit of it now.
I’m a senior in high school. A few years ago I sank into this depression. About a year ago I started cutting myself. I usually cut in a place that’s easy to hide, but sometimes I’ll cut on my forearm or near my wrist, asking for someone to notice and ask if I’m okay. I’ve actually set a date for myself once last may. I backed out of it though.
There has only been one person who I actually told about my depression. About how I don’t believe that anyone cares about me. They used to distract me from my bad thoughts. But they stopped talking to me almost a year ago now. I want to talk to them again, but I feel like if I try to they’ll ignore the message. That they’ll ignore me. Which they should. I’m not worth it.
The thing I want most in my life right now is for it to end. I just want to escape from here and get rid of all this numbness and doubt. But I can’t. I keep hoping things will get better, but I know they won’t. I’m stuck in this house with a religious mom who forces me to attend church event twice a week even though I hate this church and don’t even believe there is a god, because if there was he is cruel, to put this much pain in this world. My dad makes me go to the church events too just to make my mom happy. When I’m forced to these church events my depression gets worse. I usually get home wanting to just end it all because even though I’m a person, I don’t have a choice in going to some stupid church.
I hate everything about my life, even though I don’t have the right to. I would do everything to switch it with someone else. Someone who has actually gone through damage, someone who would love to take my easy life in exchange for their damaged one. Because the only thing damaged in my life is me.
There’s only one person in my life currently who I actually give two shits about. Who I actually believe they care about me. They give me a hug everyday, and most days that’s the only hug I ever get. They make me feel like I mean something. If I look upset they actually ask me if I’m okay. But when May comes they’ll be gone. The day I graduate is the last day I’ll see them. To me that just makes me dread that day. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to survive that day. I want to tell them everything. About how I wish I was dead, about the scars on my skin, about how much they mean to me. But I can’t. Because I know if I do, they will step in and make sure I get the help I don’t want. I just wish they knew.
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2 comments
Living with depression is a hard thing to do, one of the things it makes us believe is that we’re not worth anything, something you say you feel. How can we be worth anything when we find everyday life a struggle to get through, and yet those around us go about life without a problem. The truth is we are worth other people’s help, we are a society; yes, there are those who don’t care, but there are also others who do, you must talk to those who do care. I’m sorry you are forced to attend church when you don’t want to, some find relief from religion, others find the opposite, I was glad when I was old enough and so could stop going. You mention someone, the only one, who cares about you irl, but you fear reaching out to them, but sometimes you have to take the chance. Sometimes you have to accept help, we can’t get through our troubles on our own, sometimes we need to broach the subject with another by revealing you are struggling, telling them just a little of your problems and see their reaction, see if they want to know more. If they wish to help you maybe you can find a reason to live, you end your post, ‘I just wish they knew’, if you killed yourself would they wonder why, would they wonder why you hadn’t spoken to them.
The help you don’t want is the help you might actually need. Even if it’s hard for yourself to believe it you are worth something, we all are, regardless of the amount of people that cares about us. I agree with nias in the fact that you should take the chance, i mean, if you don’t have that person near now and the worst happens (no reply), things will remain the same, but there’s always the chance that there will be a reply.
Also, you can always keep in touch with that other person when you graduate. And if you go away to college or somewhere else you have the chance to meet other people. Sometimes change is needed, even if we usually fear or hate it.