The last straw for this weak camel

I have often read many a tragic tail when it comes to this sort of thing. Mine isn’t worth telling. I’m sure there are many others who could of made due with this life of mine. I however, could not. This is merely the result of a life time of inaction. I have always known that I would wind up killing myself, ever since I was 7, I wanted to die. Truth be told, I was really hoping I would of died by now, some sort of traffic incident, illness or even murder. I have been unfortunate to have lived so long.

I’ll be turning 23 on March the 31st. I have decided to kill myself around then, no specific date just within a weak before or after, either way, I will die. I wish I could watch all the anime I have collected, read all the books I have gathered and play the plethora of games at my disposal. I can’t, I am so broken that not even those simple trinkets, my only source of joy, can give me anything inside this husk. I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t live anymore, I can’t do it. I am such a failure, truly beyond measure.

I have never done anything with this life. Never made a friend or participated in a competition. I’ve never even played an online game before. I just can’t deal with having to put myself ‘out’ there. I spend all my time trying desperately to get lost in a fantasy inside my head. Even going to university was forced on me, I hated it and forgot everything I did there.

This is something I have spent 15 years thinking about. Don’t bother talking me out of it. There is nothing you can do for me and nothing I am willing to do for myself.

I’m just a nobody who lives in a small dark room where his family constantly belittles him. How the hell am I supposed to escape this hell? Lol, I don’t have any desire to save myself, I look forward to killing myself, for this first time in 15 years, I am actually motivated for once. The first time in my entire life, that I will actually be making my OWN decision! I may be fulfilling the dark fantasy I have had all my life by committing suicide but at least I won’t be in this wretched existence anymore.

I have prayed for way out of this nightmare, but even if an angel fell in my lap, I’m sure I would turn from any path that leads to a future and still, willingly fall down into the pit of my own despair.