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The last straw for this weak camel

by Lsari

I have often read many a tragic tail when it comes to this sort of thing. Mine isn’t worth telling. I’m sure there are many others who could of made due with this life of mine. I however, could not. This is merely the result of a life time of inaction. I have always known that I would wind up killing myself, ever since I was 7, I wanted to die. Truth be told, I was really hoping I would of died by now, some sort of traffic incident, illness or even murder. I have been unfortunate to have lived so long.

I’ll be turning 23 on March the 31st. I have decided to kill myself around then, no specific date just within a weak before or after, either way, I will die. I wish I could watch all the anime I have collected, read all the books I have gathered and play the plethora of games at my disposal. I can’t, I am so broken that not even those simple trinkets, my only source of joy, can give me anything inside this husk. I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t live anymore, I can’t do it. I am such a failure, truly beyond measure.

I have never done anything with this life. Never made a friend or participated in a competition. I’ve never even played an online game before. I just can’t deal with having to put myself ‘out’ there. I spend all my time trying desperately to get lost in a fantasy inside my head. Even going to university was forced on me, I hated it and forgot everything I did there.

This is something I have spent 15 years thinking about. Don’t bother talking me out of it. There is nothing you can do for me and nothing I am willing to do for myself.

I’m just a nobody who lives in a small dark room where his family constantly belittles him. How the hell am I supposed to escape this hell? Lol, I don’t have any desire to save myself, I look forward to killing myself, for this first time in 15 years, I am actually motivated for once. The first time in my entire life, that I will actually be making my OWN decision! I may be fulfilling the dark fantasy I have had all my life by committing suicide but at least I won’t be in this wretched existence anymore.

I have prayed for way out of this nightmare, but even if an angel fell in my lap, I’m sure I would turn from any path that leads to a future and still, willingly fall down into the pit of my own despair.

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Scar504 2/26/2015 - 3:31 pm

Sounds like me. But I forced myself to go out and do things. It’s a difficult hurdle, but once you get over it it’s cake.

Anyway, if that’s what you want, enjoy your sleep.

Ryder 2/26/2015 - 11:19 pm

“I don’t want to kill myself but I can’t live anymore, I can’t do it. I am such a failure, truly beyond measure.”

Hey, I feel the exact same way! I’m trying to die sometime in March or April, too. I don’t know if it’ll happen, but I have everything ready for when I get the impulse. The only thing that’s holding me back a little are my mom and sister, but I’m leaving them a lot of stuff so they can get over me and move on. You should finish your animes and play your games until you’re bored sick of them. Watch Netflix too. And since you have a lot of time, prepare some stuff to leave for your family. They might appreciate it.

I actually planned to kill myself two years ago. Yet for some stupid reason I’m still here on Earth. I bet we still be here by the end of March…Hell maybe we’ll still be here by this time next year……

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