All my life people always tell me that I am so strong. But I’m not. I’m not strong at all. I’ve just been through a lot of things and I’m still here. Just because I’m a survivor doesn’t mean I’m strong. People always tell me that I can handle anything, that I’m “superhuman.” It’s stupid…No one is superhuman. Just because I’ve gone through things and keep on going doesn’t mean I’m strong. It means I don’t look back. I just keep moving forward, but sometimes I question why. Why should I move forward? For what purpose?
Most would say I have a good life. I have a job where I get to help others. I have a boyfriend who is mostly supportive. I have friends. My family loves me. I should be happy. But I’m not. I always feel alone. I guess because no one understands me. I feel like I have to be this person for everyone. I have to be strong and happy all the time. But I’m not. I’m not happy and I’m not strong. All my life, since I was very young my family has told me to be strong. “Be strong, don’t cry, don’t fail.” But it’s hard. I always feel like a failure, because I’m always struggling in one way or another. My boyfriend says I’m depressed and he doesn’t know how to deal with me. Honestly, I just wish everyone would leave. It would be easier for me. No one would care and things would be easier. I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to my parents about it and they just judge me. They think I need to diet or exercise more…so then I can feel pretty and not sad. It’s stupid advice. They have always given me stupid advice….
I don’t know if I can go on like this…It gets harder every day and each day I just want to disappear. Sometimes when I’m driving, I close my eyes. I do this when no one is around me. I don’t want to hurt anyone innocent. So I close my eyes and step on the peddle. I have done this a few times. A few seconds at first. But now it’s a few minutes. The twisted thing is that it makes me feel better. I feel like I’m in control and out of control. I feel like if it’s meant to be, then just be….I know it’s selfish, and maybe that’s why it feels so good. I just want my pain to end. I feel like that’s who I am now, the pain. I’m not sure who I used to be anymore. I pretend so much for everyone, my coworkers, my friends, my family, my boyfriend. I feel like a phony. I pretend to be happy and pleasant, but I’m not. That’s not me. Anytime I try to be me, everyone just judges me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to be or who I am supposed to be? I try to be what everyone wants because who I really am, no one wants…..
Who would want a weakling like me in their lives? No one likes a weak link. So I guess I’ll keep going until I can’t go anymore. Or until the pain consumes me completely. Which ever comes first.
2 comments
Your boyfriend knows you’re depressed and all he did was say he doesn’t know how to deal with it?
Did you actually try to talk and explain to him? The fact that he figures that you’re feeling bad is a good start to get to talk to him about it.
No one can be strong all the time, we’re all human and we all have feelings and a certain amount of energy, physical and mental.
Yeah, most of the time when people just don’t get it, they give stupid advice. I guess it’s because they care about you but they just don’t understand or don’t know what else to say.
If they can’t understand it even after you try to explain it better, and just judge you, find someone else you can actually talk to.
If your friends only like you when you’re fake, don’t bother with them.
Being fake and pretending will only drain more of your energy.
You’re not a weakling. Everyone can have rough times.
If people in your life don’t like who you really are or can’t handle trying to support you when you’re down, get better friends and other more understanding people in your life.
If there’s really no one at the meantime that you can talk to about all this, as much as i feel bad mentioning something i never tried, therapy might also be an option.
Will give you at least someone you can talk to about everything, even if it doesn’t help even though it might.
It is harder these days than ever before but your life sounds 100% salvagable to me. All you have to do is find one single person who gets you. Don’t try to salvage relationships that are lost causes. Instead, find a single person who can understand how you feel, either from expertise or rust has or has had someone dealing with the same things.
Sadly, people lite more these days about who and what they are, more so online. You need to get out and meet people, someone is less likely to lie to your face than to you though texts or IM’s.
Tiki aren’t clear on what your are dealing with which makes me think it is something like I have been that you are either to afraid or ashamed to admit to. Of that is the case, look to support groups for the type of problem you are dealing with. While most people at support groups went make time for anyone else while they try to recover, many people need someone’s help which can be a two way street.
I have recently been disowned by my entire family so trust me, family is just a word and if they aren’t they for you then I agree with your statement to leave then. Fuck em. However, I have been alone for almost 20 years and woke I am “stronger” than most I also agree with your dating that strength is a bullshit word for people suffering. Sometimes though, w just can’t deal with things alone and in most cases, you don’t have to, you just have to be willing to tell those that won’t he’ll you to go fuck themselves and find someone that is with your time.
My torment started when I was 11, I am 34 now and have been alone since I was 15. Trust me, you do not want to live a life with no one you can trust out that cares about or for you without conditions.
I hope you find someone fast because from experience, the longer you feel alone no matter how many purple are around you, the harder life gets. I tried to find someone that could deal with what I am and I have been trying to get help for years but in my case, there just isn’t he’ll for a pedophile who hates what he is even though he has never and would never touch a child. Sadly, I don’t have the luxury of finding someone I can trust, you however, do.