I hate everyone and everyone hate me… I always upset my girlfriend because of the past, I never bring it up, I hear voices all the time, there shouting at me telling me I’m worthless and that I need to kill myself… I have stood at the top of a building I have held a blade to my wrist 3 times in the last fucking week… I have pushed down once but didn’t draw blood, My Family hate me, I get dirty looks, I get bullied… I can’t talk to anyone about this because I can’t share my opinions and when I do PEOPLE TELL ME I’M FUCKING WRONG!!! I hate myself… and I hope everyone I know understands how I feel… My conciuller has told my mam stuff I didn’t want her to know and I trusted him in confidence when he said he wouldn’t share my information but he FUCKING did, Everything comes first with everyone else… they all expect me to fix there stupid problems… I’m done.. my mam calls me ungrateful… she makes me feel guilty all the time… I am failing school because I wouldn’t be able to sleep because people are always trying to put me down… I’m fucking done
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Sorry you’re in such a bad place right now :(. I feel the feelings you described on and off, always coming back to me. One thing that has helped me a bit is getting on medication. Have you already talked to your Mom about your feelings? You seem depressed, and while your Mom may treat you poorly and degrade you, she is still your Mom and most likely wants to see you happy rather than sad. My parents were very uptight and strict, and did not make much of an effort to see things from my point of view until I opened up to them about how down I was feeling. I suggest that you try and talk to her about your sadness if you haven’t already. Getting in touch with a doctor is difficult to get yourself to do as it could feel embarrassing, but I genuinely think you ought to see if you can diagnose your feelings of what seem to be depression. After diagnosing it, you will be able to get on medication to help boost your mood. I’m still in the same boat as you, and your story is compelling, so please keep in touch and provide updates! Good luck and try to maintain hope.
Yes, this happens and it feels like crap. If I knew any better, I wouldn’t feel like this myself. It’s hard to keep family together when we look for love outside, but that’s just like banging against the wall. This would remind me of who has fed me all these years when circumstances were beyond control. it’s true, words spoken and actions cannot be taken back and it hurts forever. I feel so bad.
I don’t think suicide is your only option only because from what you sound like in your story, the problem isn’t you. It’s a bunch of jerks in your school that don’t like your music (which I actually like too!). Now, for me, I want to die because I truthfully do not love myself. I know that doesn’t sound like much but when family or a significant other tells me they love me, and deep down I just can’t convince myself to believe them. I want to but can’t. Then I have to live with the guilt of not believing them even though they cry to get a response from my eternal numbness. I am educated and attractive (so I’m told) but hate everything about my life, especially the center of it that is me. Its absolutely a brain chemistry problem I have and there’s no fixing it with medications (legal nor illegal). I tried them all. I wish I had bullies or something to blame rather than the fact that I am suffering with my own thoughts and self hate that grows larger every day over nothing. I wish I had something I can punch, something tangible that is causing my pain. I would punch your bullies for you. I would scare all your monsters away. But at the end of the day no one can take my monster away from me, so be happy you’re not me.