3 years, 2 months and 10 days ago I tried to kill myself. Long story short I took a bunch of pills, wound up in the hospital and was saved. After a 6th months of pills, therapy I gave up on other people to solve my problem for me. I began the internal struggle of dealing with my depression and suicidal thoughts. Since then I have graduated high school, gone to college, and made many other advancements in my life. I guess you could say things were going well.
When I started college I joined the ROTC program because it had always been my dream serve my country (the Army is a perfect career for someone who wants to die). If I earned a scholarship my parents wouldn’t have to pay for college, I would have a career when I graduate and my dreams would come true.
2 months 3 weeks and 3 days ago my dreams came true. I received a ROTC scholarship. I finally thought that I was moving on with my life and started to want to live. I was happier than I was so proud to tell my parents they didn’t have to spend their hard earned money on my education. My mother was so happy, she told all her friends how proud she was of me, and we celebrated my accomplishment.
2 months and 10 days ago I found out that my scholarship was taken away from me. I failed the medical examination. Why?
History of mood disorder
History of suicidal thought (s) and/or behavior (s)
History of self mutilation
2 months and 7 days ago I had to look my mother I the eye and tell her should would have to pay for college again
Exactly 3 years after I had to look her in the eye and tell her I tried to kill myself.
Everything came back, the hate, the feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. For the past 3 years I had been working towards a goal and 2 weeks after I got there it was taken away from me.
The worst part is that everyone asks why. Why did you lose the scholarship, so I tell them medical reasons but nothing more. They ask what’s wrong with me but I just shake my head, smile and say nothing.
I can’t tell anyone why my dreams are over, why it was taken away from me. I act like it doesn’t bother me but everyday I still feel the pain of that day. It will haunt me forever and now I wish i was dead more than ever.