I have a lot on my mind lately. Stupid things, really. But I feel very isolated. Unlovable. More and more, I just want to be alone. To sleep or to read. Part of it is that my boys are growing up (21 and 17) and don’t need their mom as much these days (I mean, except for food. And laundry.) My family is not close (honestly, we could fill a Wal-Mart with our crazy) and my friends, well, they don’t want to be that close. Not their fault. My issues run deep and wide. Still, I have always wanted someone for me. A friend, a love – someone who I could be me with and who would love me every single day. Not asking for much, right? That will be my biggest regret – spending this life alone. At one point I thought that God would not let someone suffer ceaselessly – that if you tried hard you would be rewarded. I don’t believe that anymore.
I’m sure that it is my own doing – bad choices, etc. But I’ll tell you, I really tried to do better. I really did.
3 comments
Everyone deserves to feel loved and supported. I think that while society will ultimately keep moving in a better direction, suffering like yours is a sign there’s a long way yet to go.
Sounds like your sons are just acting like young people growing up will tend to do. They need to find their independence and solidify their understanding of who they are and what they want from life, right? That doesn’t mean they won’t ever need or want you in their lives again, even if it seems like it right now.
Are you taking care of yourself? Getting enough calories a day of unprocessed, whole foods? Getting a restful sleep each night? If you’re already doing these things then you could consider therapy as a temporary option until you’ve found some of those friends who will be willing to get to know you and be close. If you’re not already taking care of your body, you’d be surprised how much of a difference it can make in your ability to handle stress. (I’m going to do a post on it myself at some point.)