I can’t think of a single person who wouldn’t benefit from my death. I can’t think of anyone I’ve ever known who I haven’t screwed over on a regular basis. I take everything for granted, I’m arrogant, obnoxious, stupid and useless and every extra minute I survive seems selfish. Too often someone actually does/says something nice to me and I hate the fact that they can’t despise me as much as I do. For all the talk of, “having so much to live for,” my doing so only seems to lessen what others have. I’ve given nothing to anyone and the only gift I have to give is my absence. I love others but can’t stand the idea of that being mutual, I don’t want to ruin another life by being a part of it. I don’t know how I started to think/realise this or why but I’m starting to run out of excuses for myself.
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Why do you feel you behave in such a manner towards others? What is the cause of all this hatred? Do you like being this way, or is it because you can’t help being this way?
What do your parents think of you? How about your siblings, if you have any? What do you think of them?
I’m sure everyone is selfish and bit narcistic to a certain extent, when it comes down to it you still need to find a way to love yourself, no excuses. Personally, when I find myself in a social situation where I see myself starting to be one-sided, I make myself fall back and try to be a good listener, good friend, etc…reminding myself to be genuine with who I am and the kind of person I want the be. I’m sure what draws people to you is more than any perceived mask you see yourself putting up. Equally, good qualities will be followed by bad ones, perhaps that’s how one builds character.
I can’t help it, and all I get is people saying not to worry, my family praise everything I do and for some reason don’t see me as a failure. My family is the most important thing to me and I hate letting them down, and even though they don’t say it, I can’t see how they aren’t disappointed. All that happens is I try to detatch myself to stop myself from hurting them and end up feeling isolated.