Alone with my tears

Quirky,

You are a beautiful person. I just happened to read your bio and I have also been suffering with (undiagnosed) depression and anxiety since about the same age you stated you felt the onset of depression. You are by far not alone in that category, and as far as dealing with our emotions, I understand. I go through life in similar fashion. Putting on a smile, all the while dying inside. I continue on for more or less the same reasons you do, for the love of others. (family and few friends) And maybe for you it’s different, but the love I have and show to others is seldom if ever reciprocated. I guess what I’m trying to say, and failing horribly at is, there are plenty of us here who can relate on a very real level to what you’re feeling and going through. So don’t give up on yourself.

(((QuirkyFox)))

I have extreme highs and lows myself. I understand, believe me. Despite being a guy, my emotions often control my decisions. More than I like to admit. Knowledge should trump emotions. I have made some of the stupidest decisions based on emotions, rather than to rely on what I know. Yesterday was a prime example of how my emotions often control my decisions. I just got released from the hospital, and it was a very emotional experience leaving. I was thrilled to be leaving, don’t get me wrong. However I had been in there 3 days and those three days felt like an eternity. You lose some sense of the real world and time. You can’t sleep for more than 30 minutes to an hour at the most. So when I checked out, it was like I was checking back into the real world. I was trying to come to terms with what I’d been through the last few days. Instead of my parents just being happy I was released, they were irritated I wanted to drive my own car back. (I drove myself to the hospital E.R.) And despite trying to control my emotions, they’re attitude towards me, made me feel that much more emotional and worse. So instead of following them back to their house hoping they could watch after me for a day or so, I left and went home, on my own. I didn’t make it half way home before I broke down crying. Once my emotions broke down and I regained some sense of self, I realized I made a complete ass out of myself. I ‘know’ they meant well, but I have so many highs and lows, I have the hardest time controlling a simple thing as emotions. Which in the end, I suspect will be what drives me to end this life. Not the fact that I know I will probably never get to experience things like true love, happiness, family of my own, etc. I feel like I’m rambling now, but I hope you at least ‘know’ I understand to some degree how you might feel.