Hi, i am new to this site, please excuse my poor grammar and occasional incorrect spelling i do not really want to check all my mistakes and attempt to fix them and sorry for the long post, i could not shorten it out, this is the only place where i can truly speak whats on my mind.
What exactly am i dealing with? I’t cant be depression my problems are too meaningless to be that:
I constantly feel sad, like i am not doing anything useful with my pathetic, meaningless, insignificant life, like i have no meaning, sorry, its not like i have no meaning, i know i have no meaning/purpose in life whatsoever; for weeks now i have been fantasizing about killing myself,and
ending the misery,
i even went as far as to have re-searched various methods online about ways to kill yourself,
but it is to no avail as i was too much of a coward to end the misery. I can barely fall asleep at night, laying awake thinking about how much better it would be for everyone if i had just disappeared or died, in fact most nights i can’t fall asleep. i am constantly feeling sad however when there are people around i look happy in order to not attract any attention towards myself, i think of my life as one big massive failure, i will never achieve anything, everything i look at reminds of these things, every.single.person. everybody i look at reminds me of how much of a failure i am. for example, i see someone on the street wearing a suit if would think they have passed their exams, done everything they can to be successful in life, fulfilled their potential where as me, i can never achieve such things, i have no potential, i am doomed to be a failure and lead a miserable life.
Back on topic i have recently begun cutting myself, i have slit my wrists many times, letting the blood pour out but eventually i just clean the wound and bandage it, i hide the cuts from everyone, no-one knows about them, i often wear jumpers in order to hide my wrists from sight, i feel as though i am edging closer to ending my own life,for real this time, as i have thought of before, i cannot stand living anymore.
What is wrong with me?
As i am writing this i am thinking of ending my own life
3 comments
While I don’t feel like I know enough about your situation, it sounds to me like there is no underlying external factor that is triggering your depressed condition. I suspect that the problem here is chemical and that you may improve somewhat with meds and therapy. It is just a guess, though. The only question is do you still have the will to stay alive? If yes, I would recommend you seek medical help as soon as possible. If no, then you are in the same boat as I am. I was also thinking about the meaning of life this morning when I woke up. I can’t find any at all. It all seems random to me. And in the end pointless.
Im not sure if i have the will to live or not, on one hand i want to die, however on the other there is a slight feeling wanting to live however the feeling of wanting to die is greater than that of the will to live.
What’s all this talk about the meaning of life or life having a purpose? The only meaning life has is what you give it. There’s really nothing more to look for, nothing more to seek, nothing more to question and nothing more to talk about.
If you get up in the morning and think life has no purpose it’s because you haven’t given it one.
If you get up and say, “oh, I’m going to do my laundry today.” Boom!! There’s your purpose. There’s your life. Cool!! Simple or complicated purpose is up to you.