This isn’t something I typically talk about because it isn’t an easy subject to approach. I’m going back to my doctor soon to figure out how far things have progressed or if they’ve changed at all. I really don’t think I want to know. I’m so tired of this.
I would kill to feel like I could trust someone. Anyone. But people come into my life and I throw them away just as quickly. Id rather hurt them than let them hurt me. Might as well beat them to the punch. Right?
In all honesty, I’m scared. Of everything. I don’t know where to turn. don’t know who to talk to. I’m terrified of my future or lack there of. I just want to go to sleep.
10 comments
Fuck cancer. Don’t let cancer control your life. Live the same way despite whatever news comes. Now is your time. Take chances, breathe, travel, create, fall in love again…. I’d give anything to have that connection and feeling with someone again. So what if you get hurt again? You have survived this far.
It’s funny how I find myself caring so much about people I have never met– who I have only shared a few words with. You have had an impact on my life. And I thank you for that. There are people out there you can trust. I wish I could tell you how to find them, haha. I wish I knew that for myself.
You can talk to us, you can talk to me.
But yeah, fuck cancer!
Haha thanks ceph. I really don’t believe that people are capable of falling in love more than once. Though I would love to be proven wrong.
You say I’ve had an impact on your life, but you have no idea how much your words have affected me. I don’t comment a lot because I’m not sure what to say, but I do read the vast majority of the things on this site. Your posts and comments have left me arguing with myself more than once. Right now it’s a war. Grab life by the balls and run or give up. Seems like an easy decision, but damn. Its tough.
I have to try and believe I can fall in love more than once. Otherwise I’m fucked and there really is no point to anything. I mean, I will always love them. Nothing can change that… But my ex seemed to find love… Honestly, I’m at the point now where it all seems like some grand fantasy. Thoughts and memories haunt, they slowly slip. But I will never forget, although it seems like they already have…
Arguing with yourself! Argue with me HAHA. I want to know what you find argue worthy ^_^
Yeah.. I’m pretty much in the same boat there. Funny. You can spend so long with someone and it seems like they have absolutely no trouble forgetting about you.
I’ll argue about anything and everything just for the sake of arguing. Someone could tell me their name and I would give them at least a million reasons why that isn’t their name. 😛
I guess, they never saw, (never felt?) how you did. Maybe that’s just what I tell myself. I don’t know how else to reconcile…
Right. That’s a strange sort of comfort, but a comfort none the less. If it’s any consolation, you seem like a pretty great person to me.
Jesus Sams… I’m so sorry. I had no idea. Whatever you do, whether you gear up to kick some ass like ceph suggests or whether you decide to step back and just go with the flow, try not to do it alone.
I guess that’s what you’re saying if I read between the lines correctly. Due to your fear of being hurt again, you push others away. And now that you’re in a seriously terrifying place it sucks not to be able to trust anyone.
Well we aint exactly the rescue squad, but I seriously doubt anyone here would ever dump on you. We’re all under the threat of a potentially fatal “disease”, so we can sorta commiserate. Say anything here, or drop me a note anytime.
Sometimes it feels good to drop your guard and say whatever. But personally I think you should take the Ceph route. Grab cancer by the throat and give it an atomic wedgie. I’ll help hold im down for ya 🙂
I would really appreciate the help, salt. Every time I get him pinned, the bastard gets right back up.
I’ve gotten so used to doing everything on my owm. I really don’t know how to accept help anymore. Its ridiculous. I’m 18 and I’ve already driven myself so far into this hole that I can’t find my way out.
Cancer has already stolen some very valuable things from me. I’ll take pleasure in pinning him down while you kick his ass.
I know exactly what you mean about not knowing how to accept help. The few times I’ve ever accepted help (well only once actually) I was in such a schizoid delirium I didn’t know what was happening until it was over. I guess the best you can do is keep fighting on your own until you collapse and hope someone will be there to pick up the pieces.
Well golly that was about as helpful as a parking ticket. I do think you have something to be proud of. You might feel like you’re in a hole, but you can also look at it as if you’ve *survived* in this hole for the hardest years of your life, and it’s made you tough enough to handle any crap that comes your way later. If you can just hang on a little longer. There’s a flower called Adenium obesum that grows in the fricken Sahara, tough as nails and poisonous. But undoubtedly a beautiful wonder of nature, made that way because of its harsh environment. You might get a kick out of this… its common name is the desert rose 🙂
I like to think I’m more like a cactus… Or a rock. Something less eye-catching.
In all seriousness, it’s actually one of my favorite flowers. Beautiful.