Hello.
I dont really know if this is how im supposed to write this but anways. I’ve been lurking this site for a while and i finally decided to make an account. I guess i should introduce myself ( to whoever is reading this ), anywas not gonna share my real name but lets say my name is Cyne. I’m 18 year old male and have been dealing with depression since around 11-12 years old, maybe even before that but i didnt really notice that it was effecting me. I guess the major part of my depression and thought of suicide is being alone, dumb reason i know. I literally dont talk to anyone in person (apart from those small chit-chats during school and talking to my family a bit) and online i talk to a whooping number of… one persons. Even though even that is very rare these past few weeks. Needless to say, i never had any friends, not even as a kid, got bullied a lot when i was younger ( mostly verbal abuse and a little but heavy physical abuse ), i dont get bullied anymore though, which is good. I dont really know why im writing this here and i’m not really good at expressing myself due to not having much practice in talking. I guess im just trying to atleast “talk” with anyone even though noone might read this.
I guess i should mention that noone really knows how i feel in person, noone knows i attempted suicide or that im even depressed, most people think im someone happy and funny, but thats cause i put on an act during those short “chit-chats”.
When it comes to school, once again, im a failure, actually im a failure at everything tbh, i dont really have any virtues or skills and i dont find anything fun, not even the stuff i used to love doing. I guess i spend my days today browsing reddit and watching tv shows, even though even that is not entertaining anymore… anyways…. i dont really think i will live much longer, im guess im just waiting for something to change in my life but it doesnt really look like anything will get better, things just go worse. I dont really know what to write anymore so im just gonna stop here, maybe i post more tommorow or smth.
Have a nice day whoever’s reading this
7 comments
Cyne, I know it’s difficult. I know it feels like you’re in your own special type of hell. But hang in there. Okay? I don’t know if it’ll get any better, but if you’re dead you’ll never know. If you ever need to blow off steam or anything, feel free to email me or something. Alright? You can do it.
Well not knowing is kinda better than living to find out it doesnt get better. And thanks for the offer, even tho i dont know how to get your email from here haha 🙂
Ha. You may be on to something there. But words of encouragement seemed better than resignation. shesaghostnow g mail
Thank you, I sent an email btw.
I read it. I find your sentiments about people you talk to out there not understanding one that is echoed quite frequently here, and by myself.
If you are waiting for a change to happen in your life, you could be waiting a long time.
I hope you keep posting, while most that read posts don’t comment, I think readers will still relate to what you have to say.
I know depression can be hard, I am 31 and have been struggling with PTSD pretty much my whole life. You just have to learn how to be strong in your deepest moments. My father took his life and I always ask myself, what could I have done to change is mind or help him. Be strong you can make it, talk to someone.
I would talk to someone if i had someone to talk to. Apart from my family, i dont know anyone, and my family doesnt really care about me anyways. It would be easier meeting new people if my social anxiety wasnt there, or if my agoraphobia wasnt there.