Pointless

Sometimes I wonder why I even stick around anymore. I mean yeah.. there are people who “love” me but they never seem to truly get it. Fact is, im exhausted. Plain and simple as that. i feel unloved, unwanted, uncherished.. pretty much just forgotten by society. Everything that I am and everything that is perceived to be me are completely disingenuous. Its all an act, a part I have to play so that people around me dont lose their minds.

But what is that point? I wake up each day knowing exactly how eveything is gonna pan out. The monotny of life and suffering is all that I know. I keep on trying to find some greater purpose, more meaning to each breath I take, but the air is as acrid and unfullfilling as ever. I wonder if this is how fishes feel when you take them out of water? I feel like I’m dying the slowest death, Im rotting from the inside out. I feel I might combust.

I keep on staring at the veins in my arms, wondering just hwo quick and easy it would be to slice it open vertically, and see my life slowly seep out of myself. would it be as sweet as I’ve always imagined it to be? Would the blood terrify me, or thrill me, knowing the long awaited release that is soon to come? I’m tired of playning my part as happy housewife. Tired of being the disappointing daughter, the unattractive lover, the unknown classmate, forgotten friend. I’m tired of being my own enemy.

I finally figured out the perfect date.

Im gonna do it this month. Im slowly planning out the preparations. the proper way to say goodbye.

then I can finally end my suffering on the very day I died years ago.