I want so many things in life. I want to be the one that makes a difference. I want to be the person that will be there for you no matter what. I want to be someone useful. I want to be liked and accepted. I mean, who doesn’t? I want to fit in. I want to be happy.
I want a normal life with a normal family. I wish I had someone I could call mom. Have someone to call dad. I never had a dad growing up so it makes me want one even more. I see girls with their dads and those are the moments that make me want to be them. I see children with their mothers and I think ‘I hope they appreciate what she does for them and I hope they don’t go through what I went through’.
I want to be perfect because that way no one will leave me. I am afraid of people leaving me. I always feel like I’m not good enough and when I think of people leaving me I get so afraid.
Don’t get this twisted. I like being by myself. One thing is that I like being alone and another thing is being afraid of being left by the people I love. I prefer to be alone because that way I won’t get hurt. Because that way I won’t get attached.
That’s why I’m anti-social. Why wouldn’t I be in this shitty world?
3 comments
Maybe you need someone to trust. Someone you can wholeheartedly rely on to help you through it all. Someone you know who won’t leave you.
Yes! It’s so difficult when your two greatest desires are to save the world and disappear completely. I’m terrified of losing the love of real and imaginary people because everyone leaves one way or another. It hurts, and I’m still not sure how to come to philosophical peace with that.
I think boundaries help. Establishing your autonomy so that your role and worth aren’t strictly as savior. And letting some boundaries down so that trustworthy people can see and affirm your uglier imperfections. One thing that I tell myself is that my friends would rather have a present friend than a perfect friend.
I’m sorry this may not relate to your situation or help you in the slightest. Just know you are worthy of love and acceptance.
This spoke to me. Reading your post was like reading about myself. For just a moment, I felt less alone. For that, thank you. For that, you are worth it.