I hate myself and I hate my life.
Yes, I know my life could be worse and I have so much to be thankful for. I just wish someone understood how I feel. I just wish I had someone to talk to that didn’t look at me as a whiny ungrateful young woman.
While I have a long list of unfortunate events in my life, the most bothersome is “The Other Woman.” Her name is Natalie, she was a friend of mine who was in my life for a short amount of time that has branded and mutilated my mind forever. This woman is an awful person. I wish I had the time to explain how truly awful she is, but just imagine the worst possible.
I have tried to move on in my life and grow as a person, but I continue to fall back into this miserable place. I see how happy she is on social media sites, how many people seem to adore her and are blind to her ugliness. She has moved on in her life without a care that she ruined another’s life.
My my husband does a great job at trying to rebuild my trust, and I have forgiven him. But forgiveness does not heal the wounds. I compare myself to her and I will never be as beautiful as she is. I will never be as outgoing as she is or as creative. I feel like she is showered with love, when I am dying in self hate.
As I mentioned above this is only one thing that aids my depression. I have tried therapists but have never felt understood. I feel like it’s hard to verbalized how I feel. I think about killing myself almost every day. I think about how I would do it. I imagine who would miss me and what it would be like to be free of pain.
I hate living and I hate myself.
3 comments
Death will not free you of pain. Death isn’t anything. You just stop existing. If someone in your life is bringing you down, fuck them. Delete them from your life. You’re you, not them. You don’t even need to pay attention to them. Let them live their life and focus on your happiness. You don’t owe anyone but those you love that emotional investment.
Have you considered quitting social media if it bothers you so much? Sounds like there’s a lot more to the story…
I kind of know a bit of how you feel. It’s a bit of a different situation, but I was friends with this woman for five years, and things were okay, until she started dating my cousin. I found out that she said some terrible things about me behind my back, and now I hate her. I would have eventually let it go except she comes over every now and again to nag my cousin about how many sodas he drinks and stupid stuff, and then she has the guts to say she hates everyone in the house I live in. She calls and my cousin puts her on speaker phone and she says the most horrid things about everyone in our family even though we have been nothing but nice to her. Now I just hate her, and all my old friends still think she’s this sweet girl. If it wasn’t for me keeping her included last year, she wouldn’t even have any friends. I even pay for her to go do stuff with my cousin, and she’s just an ungrateful person. It’s not worth hurting yourself over. It sounds like your husband might have done something with this Natalie, and all I can say is that I don’t understand how you can stay with him if that is what he has done. If he doesn’t love and respect you enough to think that you are amazing and he should be lucky to have a woman like you than you need to move on with your life and find someone who does think you are amazing. When you find that someone, you’ll be happy and you won’t want to hurt yourself. It’s not worth it over a couple of assholes.