Why is it so hard to understand? I have depression, but I don’t want to be fixed or cured or given “coping stratergies” (ugh). I just want to die. That’s why I don’t go to counselors any more, or talk to my friends or family about this: they assume I actually want to get better and treat me as such. It’s an assumption that would make sense for a healthy human being, but clearly that’s not me. I’m sick of being told that “It gets better!” by people who don’t understand my problems, and in many cases are the cause of them in the first place. I just want to die.
I don’t know who I am or what I want in life, because I never found an identity for myself: I’m just drifting along without any purpose or meaning. I hate my body: every single part of it is absolutely disgusting. The worst part of it all is my voice: when I speak I can see people making up assumptions of who I am in my head, and I absolutely abhor it. I try to speak as little as I can now, and I’ve actively tried to destroy my voice by physically damaging my larynx about one a month for the past three years. Unfortunately for me my body is quite resilient, so nothing has happened so far.
So my mind is void of personhood and I hate my body. That’s already enough to persuade me that there’s no point in continuing to struggle though human stupidity and natural challenges, but there’s more: I’m not good. I’m intrinsically a disgusting, lazy person, and have taken advantage of my mother, my family, my friends, and my teachers. I just take money, time, and energy from them in my fruitless attempts to find an identity, to no avail. I mislead them by saying I really enjoy things when I don’t, and try to stick with those things because I don’t want to seem like a failure. I don’t deserve their help, and I wish that they would just save themselves the pain and let me go already.
It’s not like I have the power to change my place in life either: I’ve tried to use logic and rationality on enough people to know that it’ll never work: people just don’t care. It really is a bloodthirsty world outside when we gleefully celebrate sending people to their deaths on a daily basis, ignore massacres of thousands of people by terrorists because it happened in another country, or by making people suffer for just being themselves and trying to survive. Why should I try to struggle through all of this when I already recognise that I’m not only a bad person, but that I’m not even a complete person. What’s the point? It’s not like there’s a prize at the end of the tunnel, only a slow degradation into old age and the death that eventually claims us all. Why should I stick around and suffer, only to meet the same fate anyway?
And then I get told by a registered psychologist to use a fucking stress ball and to splash my face with cold water when I feel like this, AS IF THAT WOULD FUCKING SOLVE THE PROBLEM. These are the sort of retarded pieces of shit who think that I’m some innocent person who needs to be helped. They feed me all this bullshit about things getting better, and sometimes I believe them, only to be let down.
It’s funny, because even though I want to end this pathetic excuse for a life so badly, I know I’ll just turn off my computer and go to sleep, like the sack of human shit that I am. I hope I kill myself soon, but I’d probably fuck that up too.
We’ll see.
5 comments
The stress ball punchline made me bust out laughing. Really, there’s some comedy gold in that.
Your opening paragraph voiced everything I’ve been coming to grips with for the past few years. “Help” doesn’t work because I’m not really looking to be saved. I think sometimes we set our sights on a tragic end, and we go for it happily. Along the way we may need pain relief (which this site is great at providing, I hope you’ll stick around to see), but ultimately we don’t want to be pulled off our chosen course.
Thanks for posting this, Oleraes. From one sack of shit to another… SHIT POWER! *holds up a fist of fecal matter*
Before we can kill ourselves, we need to desensitize ourselves from pain. For that we can indulge in small pain causing activities to ourselves until we are finally able to kill ourselves.I guess watching deadly violent pics or videos can also help. I wish you get what you choose.
That’s good advice (or bad advice? depends on how you view suicide I guess). But definitely about desensitizing yourself to the pain of life, maybe that’s why people cut/injure/harm themselves. Physically and emotionally. Trying to make the pain go away by causing smaller pain.
en dot wikipedia dot org/wiki/Desensitization_(psychology)
In the above wikipedia page, it is written that “Desensitization is a process primarily used to assist individuals unlearn phobias and anxieties ”
We also have a phobia of a painful death. And unfortunately, there are not painless suicide methods available for everyone. And so through DESENSITIZATION, one can increase their tolerance to pain. Watching movies like SAW and pics like in “rotten dot com” can also help in desensitization I guess. I advise you to not view/watch them. They are very unpleasant to view.
I have seen many people suffering constantly from their birth like where I lives seeing homeless children and people begging for money/food all their lives on roads and temples. Or as slaves/domestic workers in other people houses. So I thinks suicide is justified for some people whose situations are hopeless. And for other people, I am neutral to suicide.
Everything you just said relates to me PERFECTLY. Except the part about your body. I’m not exactly proud of my body, but I’m not ashamed of it either. It’s just a body.