Hopefully this isn’t going to get redundant or repetitive as I type this. Basically, all I want to do is get everything out right now, it seems I can trust everyone on here.
First, I want to start by saying that I’m currently seeing a psychologist but there’s things I can’t even tell her. I found out I’ve been suffering from depression for about 5 years now, but starting last year my mind started deteriorating faster than I expected. One day I’m dreaming about the family I want to have and the next I’m dreaming of all the possible ways to die painlessly.
This scares me immensely. I love my family and don’t want to put them through that kind of pain. Whenever I have suicidal thoughts, I try to think about how my mom would feel when she finds out about my death. And then I snap out of it and continue with my robotic schedule. Everything feels so dull and I just go through my life sighing.
Jump back to now and it’s like I can’t stop myself from looking up methods to end it all. I’m desperately trying to climb up out of the abyss, but the more I try, the further I fall back down. Considering I’m a loner I don’t really have anyone to turn to so I’m doing this now.
Whenever I try to look for help, it feels like I’m just seeking attention, “oh look at me, my life sucks, feel bad for me” So to avoid that I just bottle it up and it never comes out. Once it does though, I can’t stop it. I feel like I’m rapidly going towards the end where I shove a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger.
I don’t want to be committed, being treated like a maniac is the biggest fear I have. Lately, it’s been so hard to laugh at things that used to make me laugh, or enjoy things that I usually enjoy. Hell now I can’t even take a joke without getting bent out of shape. One of my friends told me, before he completely left me was that I’ve become distant, not talking to anyone. So now, because of that, I’m beating myself up over it and blaming myself for my friend leaving.
It’s like I’m my own worst enemy. My heart and mind constantly fighting each other over this and that and I’m being pulled in the middle. It seems like every time I make a decision, it ends up blowing up in my face and I regret it later.
I had a dream last night that I finally did it, I finally ended my life. I woke up around 3 in the morning and couldn’t fall asleep the rest of the day. I want to seek help but I’m afraid they’re going to isolate me. I don’t want them to treat me like I’m a threat to myself. The last thing I need is my mother worrying about me 24/7. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, I can fight back my demons; but other times I feel like it’s pointless, that I should just give in and let the darkness consume me.
I’m so tired from fighting. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. “He died peacefully in his sleep” is what I would rather my mom hear instead of “We found his body in his room with a shotgun in his hands” and you can fill in the rest.
It’s funny. If I was asked “how are you feeling” two years ago, I would have said something like “Oh I’m great, just a bit tired and hungry because I haven’t eaten since lunch” Now it’s just “I’m fine” even though I’m not. I force a smile and hide everything, thinking it will all go away, but it’s proven to be more annoying than I thought.
I think I’ve droned on long enough for now. If you read everything then thank you. I guess I’ll keep updating everyone if anything changes “if you care haha”