Why I Wish I Was Dead

Most mornings I wake up wishing I died in my sleep. Why? Because this life sucks. I weigh over 300 pounds, I have never had a relationship, I have a grand total of 4 friends that I have known for over 15 years. I had no family except my mother and stepfather who are always nagging me to get help for my depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed if they had my life? I get up, I go to work, I come home, take a shit, eat, jerk off, sleep. Repeat. I was happier when I was getting high and banging hookers all the time. Now that I’m really trying to stop giving my paycheque to crackwhores I have come to the realization that my life sucks. Every morning on my way to work I contemplate stepping out in front of the train. When I get home after work I am so damn tired all I want to do is sleep. I have no energy to go out and meet new people. I am very anxious in social situations where I dont know people. Crowds in general dont bother me. I can go to a concert no problem, as long as I dont have to talk to any strangers. I have a real problem with being rejected and being criticized. Once I asked a girl a liked out for a coffee and she said she was busy so she couldnt. I immediately figured she was just lying to me to spare my feelings and went on a three whore fuck fest. I think I spent $500 that night. I started using prostitutes when I was 14 and already weighed over 300 lbs. I think that paying for sex for over 15 years has really fucked me up. I doubt I will ever be able to have normal sex or form a relationship. Now even sex doesnt give me pleasure. The last girl I had sex with was so crazy I swore that she would be last time I paid for it. She was 18 and I gave her $250 to fuck her without a condom and cum inside of her. I have fucked so many hookers without wearing a condom I have lost count. I am probably diseased. The only thing that makes me feel better is food. I fucking love it. I can crush a whole pizza in one sitting. I used to routinely spend $30 at McDonalds. I eat enough food for 2 or 3 people. No wonder I am such a fat fuck. Anything, this is why I wish I was dead.