So living with constant depression and daily suicidal thoughs has changed me and my mind into things I wish never existed. I think most people going through the same things would agree with me when I this.
1.) Everytime someone asks me if I am doing okay, I have to put a fake smile on my face and say I am fine because I don’t want people to see how much depression truly controls me.
2.) I can’t take my necessary daily medicines without thinking of overdosing.
3.) I can’t cross the road without the thought of wanting a car to hit me crossing my mind.
4.) I can’t look at a knife or any kind of blade without wanting to grab it and write stories on my arms.
5.) But the worst thing is I can’t look at myself in a mirror and not say that I am ugly, fat, and not wanted. I can’t tell myself that I am beautiful ever anymore.
This is what living with depression and suicidal thoughts have done to me and it makes me hate myself even more. It makes me hate myself because I wasn’t strong enough to overcome the once small ant hill that is now a mountain impossible to climb.
4 comments
I hear you M. Once it starts, it all just snowballs from there until we’ve locked ourselves into a prison of our making while throwing away the key.
I find that the best thing to do is to try to focus on the small victories and to tell yourself that you matter, that you did something to be proud of today (even if it’s something as small has having made your bed, cause not everyone does ya know).
But yea, I don’t know what to say aside from I hear ya, and I do hope things look better for you. From your writing, you seem like a great person you deserve some respite.
Thank you and I try to celebrate the small victories, but I don’t get a lot of them because I am in a wheelchair and unable to do a lot. But anything I can do, I always do.
Depression may seem like it has destroyed any hope you once had, I know the feeling well, but hope is still there, believe me it’s still there. A lot of people think about suicide at some point in their lives but things change and they can move on. Please keep trying, it’s all you can do and hope change can come to you one day. I feel the same as you about looking in the mirror, I hate what I see looking back at me, and I am alone as a consequence and that’s been hard, but sometimes we are too critical of what we see, we look too closely and only focus on the small imperfections everyone has but miss the bigger picture. Also remember we are all worthwhile beings even if we struggle to see it, and life can improve, and above all be yourself and be who you want to be, often trying to fit into other people’s narrow ideas of what we should be can be damaging and self defeating.
I have all they symptoms you have. I am very close to suicide. I dunno when it will happen. but every day i am sincerely trying for it