I wasn’t like this at first. I was so happy. I had strong religious faith. I was a good kid overall, so much that being depressed was out of the question. I guess the world is evil. The world changed my more mature self. I became more aware of problems. More family problems, friend issues, doubts in my faith, everything that was enough to tip my world over. My parents hate each other, but they stay together because of me. My friends don’t really care about personal things, and if they do they aren’t very supportive. I’m not the smartest person. I’m not pretty. I can’t draw, sing, do sports, play an instrument, or do anything that is worth time. My mom says that she is fed up with my laziness and that I am fat. My dad is a coward and doesn’t even have common sense, he is a hypocrite. They are basically all the stereotypical asians that you can think of. The thing is…these things don’t happen everyday. So in short I guess I’m happy. I have friends. I have a family. I have a house. But all these little things are stacking up. I want to tell someone, but I can’t, I want to scream and cry, but I can’t. I want to kill myself, but I’m scared. I’m a coward too. I hate my life. It is so out of the loop and messed up. I hate my family to the point that I wish I could have a do over.
I’m a despicable person, aren’t I. I think all these thoughts, yet I continue to live. Honestly, I want to cut myself and kill myself so that everyone will be better off, bu I’m scared. I guess in some ways, my cowardliness is a good thing.
4 comments
as we get older, we become more aware of what’s happening around us. It’s unpreventable.
but hey, good news is your parents are still together for you. it is a solid prove that they care and love you.
I can relate to your situation, having asian parents too, i get called lazy and useless so many times. But one thing I’ve learned, i can’t let them influence how i see myself. what i’m trying to say is that you are what you see in yourself, and try to find something positive in you. I’m sure you have plenty of them:)
Having friends don’t mean you can always count on them, after all they have their own junk to deal with. however, there will always that one friend that sticks with us no matter what, we may not notice, but there is:)
Death is scary, i can guarantee you that, and reading your story, I’m sure you can do so much more in the future. You have my support:)xx
trust me when i say this: NO ONE will be better off with you dead. you think that, i’ve thought that and it’s false. i think you took these words from my brain about two years ago. i was in your exact position… and two years later i am the happiest i’ve ever been, and you wanna know what i sit in my bed before i go to sleep every night and think? thank God i failed when i tried to commit suicide. the more i say it the more i believe there’s a reason why i failed, a pretty damn good reason.
-thistooshallpass xoxo
I know how you feel. I just want to die. It’s all I think about. I really want to talk.
You can talk to me.