Today is my birthday. Instead of feelings of joy, happiness, excitement for what this day is besides my birthday, I feel empty. I no longer know how to run my life. If I ever knew. I feel trapped in it. Trapped in who I am, what I am, where I am in this existence. I do not know how life works. I see everyone around me with all the things I wish I could have. It seems tangible, but so very far from my grasp. Supportive family, friends, significant others and love in their life.
No matter how hard I strive for things most people have. Like love, respect, happiness, contentment, friends and normalcy. No matter how great of a person I am, I will never have these things. And I truly don’t understand why.
Take today for instance. My birthday. Sure I might get a few facebook notifications wishing me a Happy Birthday. Do you think my family has bothered to call or text me? Nope. And yet in a month my sister will expect me to be there for her on her birthday. And I’ll be there because I love her. I just don’t understand when I strive to make others happy, show appreciation and respect, I hardly get back the same in return.
I truly don’t understand it. Even the friends I’ve had over the years don’t bother much anymore to hang out. I feel like I have to do 90% of the work for people to come the 10. I realize I’m a guy and as such my guy friends aren’t as socially in-tuned as women. I’m jealous of women and their ability to make and keep friends so easily. They’re so forth coming with emotions and they’re not afraid of showing/relaying affection via friendship.
Maybe part of my problem is my emotions.
I’m much more emotional than most men. Might be related to my under active thyroid I’m being treated for. Probably the reason for my emotional roller-coaster’ism.
Life has been anything but easy, but I imagine yours probably hasn’t either. Molested at a young age by a neighbor, abused by my stepfather, neglected by my real father who didn’t want anything to do with me. In and out of the hospital over the years. Maybe I was a mistake.
I feel like I lead a double life.
outwardly I seem to have it together, but inwardly everything’s crashing down around me.
Unsure who I can trust or turn to. Maybe I should turn to the bottle, it’s always calling my name.
I’ll let the bottle do something I haven’t been able to successfully do myself…
7 comments
I know the feeling. For what it’s worth, happy birthday. I’m trapped, too. I know I have to do something beyond drastic to escape. I don’t know what else to do with my life, since I can’t and won’t get any further than being homeless and alone.
its a bad thing man, feeling trapped is very very bad thing. because its not a just mental statament, you feel your heart is in pain. as though someone pushing your pharynx. and also you say you are homeless…must be feel worst.
hate the life man, hope someday we can ride into blackhole…dissappear forever.
i know struggling to handle is hard if you are emotional person and cannot fit the society at all. you feel trapped because you think your destiny cannot be changeable. it started by your birth.
but it can. from my experience, change your fate is based on your manipulative skills. but, sad part is havin sometin with those manipulative skills doesnt make you happy, in the end you will sick of tired to have things, have strive. because you dont have it them (love, friendship) by your real persona.
i know they love me with my fake look and fake persona, but if i cut my hair and act like myself; no one loves me…
your real persona is alone man. but you are not in my situation. your persona will change If you can be patient. and you wont suffer from this again.
and happy birthday
Happy birthday, whatever it’s worth. I thought I was reading my own writing for a very long moment there. People are [mostly] fake. Be quiet, keep your head down, act how they want you to, they’ll call you “friend”. Dare have a personality of your own, dear gods the world is ending. What nerve! They aren’t worth it, and all dying will do is justify their arrogance.
Happy birthday!
I tend to hide in a nice dark room on my birthday. I’m not even sure why. My very soon to be birthday has me more scared than all my past.
I hope you are well.
Keep your stick on the ice!
I’m trapped with exams and bad grades. Wish you a happy happy happy happy happpyyyyy happppyyyyyyy birthday.!