It’s the beginning of the end and I don’t know where I lost control…

That’s a bit of a lie actually, I suppose i can pinpoint where, I just don’t know how…

First off, thank you to those who are reading this craptacular piece of…well crap.

I have read many of the posts on here, and have become completely immersed in other’s stories. Each of you are so important. It’s just a shame I am a spectacular hypocrite. There is no way I could say the same about myself.

I care for others, I seriously do. I care for others so much that I distance myself away. I don’t feel worthy anymore. It is incredibly frustrating and difficult to explain, even in writing how I feel mentally and emotionally. How an infinite well is fixed deep within me, how I am falling further into it day after day.

I have always been a pessimistic person from a very early age, but only in terms of myself. When it came to supporting others it was a different story. I wanted that individual to be ok. I genuinely cared for their concerns and fears. I think friends found me as someone who was loyal, non judgmental – a great listener. Friends also must have thought I was a laugh to be around too, never taking myself too seriously. This changed when life changed.

I was twenty – two when I finished university and being thrown into the “real world” fucked me up real good. I had NEVER had any inkling of what career I wanted at any time in my life. I just drifted aimlessly and followed the expected route – go to university = better job. I had no idea what to do with my future. I just thought as an adult I would be sorted out by then. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOOO. I studied English because I was good at it and eventually ended up with a decent degree. I absolutely loved the course, it was bloody amazing. I felt I was worth something. I was doing something that made me feel happy.

Exit university = shitstorm.

It has been over three years since and I am at a loss. The “real world” or should i say “fake world” has crushed me mentally, emotionally and even physically (panic attacks). I naively thought that once I had reached adulthood, things would fall into place, that as I matured physically so would everything else. Instead I feel like a child in despair. A child in an adult’s body, unable to cope with the expectations of what being an adult should require. I cannot bring myself to take part in aspects that are so false, that cause so much anxiety and even when I have tried to do these things out of necessity, people look at me like there is something wrong with me. It is like they are thinking, “she is supposed to be an adult, so why is she so immature? she should know better seeing as she’s 25 years old!”

This is why I have taken myself away from most people I love, why I have isolated myself. Once, I was at the same level as everyone else. Once, I could relate to those closest around me. Now I am stuck. The cogs have ceased. People have moved on further into adulthood – getting married, having children, expanding experiences, careers etc. I have remained still. The same. Growing older but failing to grow wiser. Emotionally and mentally stumped. Stunted. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore, nothing to say. I wish them well. I check facebook regularly to see changes in their lives. I want them to be happy more than anything.

I want the person closest to me to be happy most of all. I want someone to bring colour into his life, not to be drowning in blackness with me. It kills me not being able to help him. I make him feel worse sometimes. Sometimes he believes I do not love him. This is NOT true. I grow frustrated because I feel he does not look after himself and this upsets me immensely. I feel completely and utterly useless. I wish I could take his pain away.

I just cannot adapt to this world at all. I am not an extrovert. I am not a good verbal communicator. I am terrible when being put on the spot. I feel I have to be something I am not, just to live. Death then, seems to be the only thing that fills me with relief and a warped sense of happiness.

In someone’s post they mentioned how they hoped their organs could be donated to those who need them. This particularly made me emotional, as I feel the same. When I die, I want to be able to save lives. I want my organs to be given to those who WANT to live. To those who will cherish their life and live it to the fulliest. I may not live for much longer but at least someone else will have a chance to. Someone who deserves it.

Again, thank you for reading.

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