Where do I begin with the shit excuse of a life I have to live? Where do I not begin? Well, my problems aren’t temporary…at least not all of them. It’s not something that some simple exercise can get rid of or basic makeup. It’s…hard to explain but it makes me wish my problems could just consist of being “fat” or having been molested, being poor, or whatever temporary pain someone is going through. Because in my opinion those are things you can overcome. They are permanent and you can make a change. What I go through everyday has been going on for years.
I’m 20 years old, live with my mom, her boyfriend, my two younger half brothers, one of them has autism, the other being much more successful at life than me. I work a shitty retail job where despite all my hard work I’m always overlooked and told that I “complain” too much. I don’t drive, I use public transportation. I don’t have a girlfriend, no friends, still a virgin. I’m short, ugly, and socially awkward.
Yet with all those problems that seem fixable, one that isn’t is the way I talk. My voice is easily the worst part about my life. It’s monotone, it can crack at times, I can’t say my S’s right, I’m beginning to develop a stutter. I literally bore people when I talk or make them laugh at me. I’m excluded out of every fucking group. Even the gaming community that I’d consider myself a part of, ridiculed me for having a weird voice. So yeah you may be fat but you can still make friends, you can make people laugh, you can defend yourself without sounding useless. You can do a lot of things. I can’t.
And if you think that’s it….well there’s more. I have no talents and I’m literally bad at everything. I’m bad at driving, cooking, socializing, doing simple tasks. I fuck up a lot and thanks to my unsupportive mom I take feedback very hard. Every time I do something wrong I get yelled at or scolded and it just makes me feel useless. I have to come home and deal with it too. My mom getting on me for not being able to do simple tasks. She even praises my younger brother for getting a girlfriend before me. While he’s having a social life I’m here at home just being the lonely fuck that I am.
But I’m really not trying to discredit what all of you are going through because I know it’s tough. I’m just saying that I’d give anything to just have to deal with financial problems, weight, being molested. Because at the end of the day you can overcome it. You can cuss out the person that’s making you feel like shit without being laughed at. You can be part of something. You can be glad you’re not me.
2 comments
Everyone with limitations blocking the life they would like to live feels a similar way. You may feel miserable, but you are not alone. Fixable is hard. It sounds like your mother is taking her ‘stuff’ out on you, not a nice thing to do.
You write well, so there’s hope that you can communicate better out loud. It’s not permanent unless you let it be. Keep your awareness open. Look for ways to improve your life situation. You aren’t hopeless, just lacking in hope.
Well I won’t discuss methods but I can say I have mine ready now all I need is courage (of which I have very little) but if you’re looking for little pain look up carbon monoxide. I’m not of the mind set that we should look for change. We are who we are.
in fact I don’t see death as tragic like most of the others here and abroad. Death shall arrive at everyone’s doorstep sooner or later and if life sucks why not just send it an invitation. Life is pointless in the cosmic scheme of things. The fact that it exists is improbable and unlikely. I’m not saying that you should just do it those are just my personal views. I am sorta like you socially so I understand. It’s hard being the outcast the black sheep the pariah the lone wolf. What ever you decide do it with optimism and try not to be down about it.