Sorry if the title sounds hopeful. It isn’t.
About two months ago, I made a minor attempt on my life (not particularly committed, more of a shake-up than anything) but, after a slow upwards curve after that point, my mind has returned to the well trodden trail it knows so well. I’m just miserable. It’s been something I’ve been ignoring, repressing, letting build up inside. I feel like a skimming stone, leaping in ever-descending arcs until I come to a halt (dumb metaphors, we got ’em). Every fall is harder, shaking my confidence more and more over time. Nothing works.
What am I but a leech, an all consuming maw that deprives those around me? What is love but a survival instinct, a biological code hidden behind a facade of Hallmark cards? Am I of consequence? If I live or die, does the world change?
Part of me wants to die because, at least as far as I know, the world around me stops. When the sun is shining and the small bubble around me is full of happiness, I just want to be stuck there.
But whatever. I suppose I’ll keep going on, in my leadenheaded way, until I start diving below the surface. Then back up. Then down.
1 comment
You have an interesting way with words. I like the unique analogies you draw up.
You seem smart and creative. I believe you will make it past this. I think you’re too smart and creative not too. Try something new in life. Something you never tried before