there I was on the beach, it was around 5:30 AM, I had been drinking, reflecting on my life and experiences, getting ready to do the deed (my shotgun was hidden in a tennis racket bag) when all of a sudden this man come’s walking on by (looked to be in his mid-thirties). I was very surprised because It was still pretty dark outside and pretty dead out with no people but we both make eye contact and say ‘Hey’. I think it’s going to end there but it doesn’t, he asks me what I’m doing all alone on the beach, and I replied with “enjoying the last few moments of my life”, confused and concerned by what I just said he says “what do you mean…”. So I gently unzip my bag just enough to let him know what’s inside, I thought he would be frightened and take off or call the cops thinking I’m some sort of psychopath but immediately he understands, he sits down next to me, and start’s talking some more to me. I was surprised by how calm he ways but he begins to talk to me some more (I was pretty intoxicated at that time and can’t remember the whole conversation), I’m pretty positive he was ‘trying to talk me down’ because i do remember him asking me why, why i was doing this, and I gave him an explanation of hopelessness and mental illness, but he still kept talking to me (it was going on about 20-30 minutes at this time) and one thing he said stood out to me. He said “there are times in life when things seem uncertain, unclear, but somewhere in that uncertainty lies the truth about why you feel the way you do”. Something zapped inside my head when I heard him say that (was probably the drunk confident false hope, but it was still relevant) and told me to search more, to give it another shot, to live just one more day and maybe things will change, maybe I can help it change. Who knows, maybe in the end I’m just a big ***** and can’t kill myself, or maybe it was some sort of fate that that man came walking by at that exact moment. I can’t say for sure, we exchanged names, he wished me the best and we parted ways and I ended up just walking back to my apartment. Maybe it was just a distraction long enough just so I wouldn’t pull the trigger or maybe that more people were starting to be out and about, making me hesitate more about doing it.
Anyways, still here, still fighting, and weirdly grateful to still be breathing.
8 comments
I don’t know if you believe in angels… but I have heard stories like this – regardless, I am glad you are still breathing… to know that one person is still hanging on at least one more day, gives us all hope.
I am glad to see you posting again. Some may call it fate that he was meant to be there at that time, some may call it spiritual guidance or you were just in the right place at the right time. Either way I am glad you took something positive out of the conversation and you are still here. We all have a reason for being here, you just have to find yours. Look at the positive side of life as hard as it can be, I have to remind myself daily. The struggle of going through life on this rock we call earth is not easy and we do not even know why we go through it or what’s on the other side, if anything. Why do we put ourselves through it? I have yet to answer that 100% but for me I go through my struggles daily for my daughters. Find what keeps you ticking and waking up everyday. Something positive keeps you moving daily.
That is wonderful news to read. I’m glad you decided to try again. Your fight, and the fight of every suicide ideator, is a good one. It is the trembling shell of a person standing up to the world and saying, “No. You don’t win.” You are strong for staying in it, hard though I know it is to believe.
Can I buy that shotgun off ya?
Glad your still around Immu! Maybe that was the world’s way of showing you that you still have fight left in you. Maybe it was fate. Whichever you believe in I suppose. Either way, I’m glad to hear from you, and glad to hear that his words have you thinking about things that may bring you some hope.
Let us know what you think of or if you want any input. You’re the king of the world right now, after all, when we’ve reached the lowest of the low, we can do anything we want to in order to change something since it’s not like we could possibly lose more than we would with suicide =)
That second paragraph 🙂 that is how I thought of it when I began my attempt at reordering the pieces of my life into something I wanted to experience.
Immurement, this is an amazing story ! Thank you for sharing it !
I’m so glad to hear that you’re giving it ***at least*** another day to think about life 🙂 Please ask yourself what is important to you, are there any causes worth sticking around for ? (e.g. do you want to volunteer to help underprivileged children ?). Anything to give you a reason to wake up everyday. And once you find that reason, blindly accept it as your reason for going, when things get tough and your mind says, “What’s the point ?”.
I’m not sure about angels, but I do very strongly believe in a God up there watching us. He does not tailor our lives exactly the way we want but he does send us messages every now and then, and I think that this is proof of that !
Again, an amazing inspiring story, and I hope that you find your reason to stay among the living.
Hugs to you, my brother 🙂
That was a really sweet story. The world works in interesting ways, perhaps you’re the chosen one. I don’t know what that means but there must be more to life than suffering.
I hope you’re okay. Best wishes.