Am I Insane? I used to think not, but now I am not so sure..

I used to think that everyone else was fucked in the head and that I was the only normal one. I still think that most everyone is below me, but I am also questioning my own sanity, which has me questioning everything I think I know, and believe.

The other night I had the opportunity to do some research. My Psychiatrist told me that I was mentally ill, I told her that the only mentally ill people were those who had brain damage, everything else was simply weakness. She said that there were two kinds of mental illness, the one I was referring to was organic mental illness where someone has suffered physical damage to their brain, I had the other kind.

My research led me to believe that I have Avoidance personality disorder, every word of it that I read, it was like someone had been watching me my entire life, they knew exactly what I did, how I acted, every thought that ever crossed my mind.

Reading it was light upon my ignorance. Both a gift and a curse. At one end of the spectrum I better understood myself and why I felt, and acted in certain ways. On the other end I realized that I could not be cured. No one could help me, because the disorder can only be helped by the individual who has it.

Even now I can only think of 2 things. A woman I want to make mine, and suicide.

I like her because I feel like we are suffering in the same way, we have very unique, and similar interests, but I know I am mentally ill, the delusions in my mind, I know it is because I have this personality disorder. Am I Insane? How does one move forward, make a decision, how do I do anything when I have conflicting voices in my head. One voice is telling me to take a chance and tell her how I feel, another is telling me that she will reject me, another voice says that it doesn’t matter because I am suicidal, the last voice is screaming at me “You are Insane, stay away from her! She will get better but we will not.” What do I do?

I Think I am Insane.