Failed suited attempts are a pain in the butt. They lock you up in a hospital, everyone freaks out. You feel this huge amount of guilt, and rarely no relief that you’re alive, only more depression becuase you didn’t succeed. Family always makes you feel guilty, how could you do this? Why didn’t you tell me. Like duh , if I told you, you would’ve stopped me, and I wanted to die. Then comes the painful process of “getting better” “learning to be happy”. You’re supposed to make all these steps so you don’t do it again and promise you’ll get help. But when you do that, let someone know that you’re having sucidal thoughts again, its just as bad as if you’d attempted it again. Eveyone freaks out, they lock you up , or if you’re lucky like me, somehow convince the hospital to let you go.
I want to die, but at the same time I don’t. And I can’t tell anyone . becuase they’ll only freak out. I know I need to wait until I’m sure that it’s time, but waiting is so hard. If I go through with it, my biggest fear is that I’ll fail. I don’t want to go through that whole painful process again. I know I have to wait until I’m sure, but I just really don’t want to. But something that works in my favor is that I have barely any motivation to move, let alone kill myself. So lazzyness will keep me alive, for now.
1 comment
Based on the last paragraph, it sounds like maybe you don’t really want to die, and just want the pain to stop (of the depression and perhaps of life in general). Though I chickened out of two attempts (within a week of each other), I’ve definitely been there back in college. Luckily for me, it was a life situation that did eventually get better over time – though life was hell till it did.
If your depression has been around for quite a while, I hope they’ve tried meds., since much depression can be based on chemical imbalances and such.
I hope you find someone to talk to about this (therapist, friend, or whoever) who won’t freak out and just be there to support you, in whatever.