I’m jealous. Not with what you would think, but I’m jealous of the people that gained enough courage to end their life. I’m jealous of the people that have cancer. Believe me, I’d trade my healthy body for yours. I know I don’t want to be here. I’m 19 and I already have my will written waiting on the day I finally muster enough courage and kill myself. I actually laugh because I like to cut myself to feel the pain and see me bleeding but I want a painfree death. I try to be happy but I fool everybody but myself. I’m not happy. Even if I do have a good day, I come home and the pain comes back. All the different ways I die in my head, constant strong feelings of committing suicide, and hatred towards my life until I get frustrated and grab my knife and put my scars on me. This is no way to live. No one deserves this.. even if I tell myself that I do. I never tell my friends how I feel anymore. I’m tired of telling them because I feel they’ve been listening too long and are tired of it. Plus, who knows how long they’ll be my friends. I just bottle it in until I take it out on myself again and I love it. I love cutting. Here’s to hoping I finally get enough courage to kill myself.
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Hey if you ever need someone to talk to or even just to listen I’m here.
Thank you, i appreciate it.. you would just get tired like the rest of my friends did..
I am actually jealous of the same things.
People who end up managing to do that.
And also of people with terminal illnesses.
I, like you, wish i had a way to trade my life with someone who is dying.
If such a thing was possible it would be so great, and help both me and them a ton.
I do relate to your thought and feelings about suicide, but still feel the need to say;
I don’t think your friends are tired of listening, if they are truely your friends.
They might just struggle with finding what to say since they don’t know how to make you feel better, and don’t want to risk saying things that will get you more upset.
Cutting might make you feel a little better for a while or calm you down for a bit but eventually it might just make you feel worse.
If you could, you should find other ways to distract yourself / let your feelings out.
people who are dying, just want to live, and we just wanna die and if we could trade places like you said, it would be amazing. We give someone want they want and we get what we want, win-win. I am truly sorry you feel this way. I feel for you. It’s a terrible feelings and I wish you didn’t have to go through something like this but life can be so cruel.. & I’ve talked about it so much that they usually don’t even respond anymore. I know they care for a fact but I think they might have given up on the fact that I can’t be saved. I’ve been to a therapist who couldn’t help me and sent me to a hospital who couldn’t help me. Nothing works. I was 19 days clean from cutting coming out of the hospital and I started again and haven’t stopped since. I don’t know any other way because nothing else has truly worked for me.
Yeah it’s pretty unfair. Things would really be a huge win-win if that was possible.
It’s not a fun feeling at all, and i wish for you too that you didn’t have to be in that kind of position.
If you really did talk to them much about it, they probably did run out of things to say.
They might not know what else to do but to just listen.
But it is weird your therapist just sent you to hospital without trying to find and solve what’s bothering you.
Still, a therapist is only human. You could try someone else who might be better and might try to help harder.
About replacing cutting with other things – i mean things that would distract you or make things somewhat more tolerable until you find a solution or help.
Might sound silly but things could be as simple as examples like;
really loud music as a distraction from thoughts, a snack as reward after doing certain things.
Or other stuff, more physical, like holding an ice cube in your hand or on your arm, punching a punching bag or so, excersize or just move your body (jump in place, lift something heavy).
I know cutting is powerful but i personally think anything else that might give a similar sort of feeling without hurting your body, without the scars and without the risks (and the guilt or so if you get that) is better.
As much as i rather be dead, and understand you do too, i think being a little more comfy (or at least less in stress) while we are forced to stick around should be a goal too.
I know I would get tired.
That’s probably true. They don’t understand what I’m going through. I mean the therapist did try. I saw her for probably a month maybe a month and a half and I started getting worse to the point that she didn’t trust me to go home so that’s why she made me go to the hospital. That’s why I go on here. People like you understand. & That’s a good list. I could try those things. They might even work. Thank you for that!
Yeah these things are hard for people to understand.
A month and a bit, and you didn’t go see her again after?
Didn’t you have to go see her again after the hospital and everything?
These things are usually complex so a month doesn’t seem like enough to actually figure it out well and come up with ways to help you.
About that list; it was a few examples i remembered but i actually think a friend of mine mentioned that ice-cube thing.
When i google it i find a list of ideas, some helpful ones but some are a bit weird.
Maybe you could look into that and find more ideas if you need.
Someone I know lost his wife to cancer approximately 5 mos ago. I wished it was me instead. I never mentioned it to anyone. … depending on the day I envy creatures that lay dead on the side of the road for their fate has found them. It all depends on the day… today perhaps wasn’t “as bad” but it is a vicious cycle. I can only wait for the next “down” which could be as soon as tomorrow. My “ups” only make life slightly more manageable… my “downs” can be painstakingly bleak. The thought of me perhaps living another 30+ years is daunting (I’m 34)… I don’t make long-term plans per se and am in the process of greatly reducing my possessions. I know of my preferred way “out” yet I am in a similar boat of somehow remaining… I too am jealous of those who cast off their mortal coil.
I know exactly what you mean. One day could be pretty decent and the next you’re just to just kill yourself any way possible. It is definitely a horrible and exhausting cycle. It’s not fair that we have to deal with this, mindlessly waiting for our death. It sucks. It really does.
I feel the same way as you. I wish I could just die. And when I talk to people about these things I always feel like I am bothering them and they don’t want to hear these things.