So I found out that I possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and everything makes sense now. And I just want to kill myself because I just don’t know what is real and what is not. And I don’t want to live in this hell for the rest of my life.
I am not quite sure if I have it, but I have almost all symptoms and I fit every description of a person with BPD. I have mood swings, the “I hate you, don’t leave me, It’s your fault, I love as a brother…”, the getting angry for small things, the obsessions, paranoia, easily getting attached to someone and easily hate that person. It is really difficult to make friends and keep them because I always screw up everything at some point. I cut myself, I am suicidal. Once I tried to kill myself in an impulse, I lost all control of myself that time.I feel empty. I am dramatic, I am always saying “I am going to kill myself”, “If you don’t answer then you hate me”. I am really really terrible dealing with my emotions and my anger. I easily start shouting for a small thing like shoes out of place. Sometimes I am really manipulative and I say really bad thing to the people I love. So I think I have it but at the same time I think I have not (or I hope so…)
And this scares me to death. I just don’t know what is real. I don’t know if what I feel and think is real or is the disease talking. Maybe I am just an attention seeker like they say, maybe I am not. Maybe I really want to kill myself, maybe not. The train is getting out of control and I am inside it in a slow motion derailment…
Edit: A huge thanks to LittleBead =)
12 comments
Please stop the train. Sometimes life is hard, but you can’t give up. Just stop the train. You can get through this. You can ride to the end of the track without falling out.
I want to but I have no ideia how to stop it or at least slow it down.
Sometimes, like in my case, it’s neurologically impossible to stop it
Are you taking meds or having therapy?
Yes. All my life I been thus way and nothing can help ut death
i have a better diagnosis for you: wait for it… You are HUMAN.
I know… And I know that whatever the name it has it is not going to change anything. I am ruining another friendship like I did before because my emotions, actions and thoughts that I can’t control. And then I have this “calm” periods and I am just like “Wow, what happened? Why did I do that?” I just want to stop this but I have no idea how to. Since I was a child that I am this way (when I was 5 I threw things at my parents) but now I am feeling that it is getting worse. I will wait and see what happens =)
Hey, it’s just the way you are. I see it as you needing something deep inside that you haven’t found or discovered yet hence the self sabotage and defense mechanisms(keeping people at arms length).
I just want to be normal and have some peace. I don’t want to have BPD, or depression or whatever this is. I don’t want to be me (I am monster) but I have no clue of what to do. I don’t want to push people way.
Heyo. I can see that you reached deeper in the matter and perhaps found something similar to your situation. Being borderline is horrible but people usually recover from it before 30 while many disorders such as bipolar are permanent. I would consider consulting it with the professional because the earlier you will start behavioural therapy/taking medicines the bigger are the chances to get better.
I’m actually in the middle of diagnosis of this disorder plus my boyfriend is borderline too. And we are still alive so it is not a death sentence. If you want to talk, here’s my email: vorkonzert @ gmail . com
You can also read my posts, maybe you will find something for yourself. Just click on my name =)
I answer quickly.
Basia =)
Ps there are a lot of private posts, so if you want to have a look at them, I can make them available for you.
Ok, If you want to.