Hope you live

Hello world,

My name is Max. I here to share to story and hope it is an inspiration to someone who is depressed or has ever had of suicidal thoughts, ever wanted to relate to someone who is in the same position as you. Anyone watching please share if you think this video could be helpful to them.

So here it goes.

My story. I have had suicidal thoughts on and off for the last 15 years of my life. From what I hear was a really nice child. I thought of others and was kind, but I was uprooted from my mother, when I was around 8 years old, I believe, by man who I did not know. He was my father. He would usually take me out in the middle of the night to a remote area and physically beat me about 3 or 4 times a week. One time he beat me so badly at home that the neighbors called the cops on him. He was given a warning that time. He continued to beat me over and over again afterwords in secrecy. Making sure we were in remote places so he could beat me till he was satisfied. I eventually went to social services a few times and eventually he was given a warning. He stopped beating me and decided to mentally abuse Then around 12 years old he started to mentally abuse me. He kept saying to me, “You were always a mistake. You were never meant to be born. You should just kill yourself.” I was already completely depressed and on the edge. I mustered enough resolve to commit suicide, the results were not what I expected. I lived…

I lived in a world where I had maybe 2 friends and I felt like I had no one to talk to about my situation. No one to relate to. I just wanted to talk to someone about my situation and let out my emotions. First I would hide in a corner making myself as small as possible asking god or a higher power to make the pain go away. That I didn’t want to feel anymore. Then I became delusional. I smile at the world. I hide my pain with a smile, believing I was an angel from the heavens. Sent on Earth to help ease the pain of others. Crying in a corner, I kept asking the higher power in my life to send everyone’s pain to me. That I could take it and accept it, just to trying to ease everyone else’s pain, even if it was just by a little. In hopes I was worth something, anything.

After that phase. I immersed myself into the PC online gaming community. I played constantly trying to escape this reality and in hopes to be born in a new one. Instead it was reality, but this time I had people to talk to. People, who did not know anything about except your skill level as a player and my handle. I talked to them constantly and met new people all the time. People who could not truly judge me poorly and if they did, there was an easy block/mute button available to me. And then, they began to ease the pain I had for so long. Or so I thought. I kept reverting back and forth into my past, just wanting to die. For god to smite me and let me be nothing.
Around 16 I dreamed of only having one thing in my life, a family. I began journey by moving to different states. A few of these states are; Colorado, D.C, Rhode Island, California and a few others only to live in them for few a years. To keep myself guarded from the entire world. Never trying to make a real connection with anyone, because they will just leave me in the end, broken. Only to having a pieces of my heart left. Yet, almost ever place was able to break me. To destroy me and I would smile as I wished my death, hoping I could finish the job or god would answer, this time. And thinking the world was better off without me, but each place I was able to muster up enough courage to leave and try out a different place. Running from my reality, thinking if only I was somewhere else. Maybe I could be happy there, and maybe I’ll achieve my dream. Just running and running from my reality, making sure to leave friend and foe behind, so they could no longer have the chance to hurt me again.

I am 27 now. I have an ex-girlfriend, Myelin (not my first) who gave me the chance to receive her love. She was kind, caring, loving, sweet, and the best person a friend could ever have. She stood by an selfish asshole like me and I made the big mistakes. I didn’t show her how much I loved her. I abused her feelings until she could truly take it no longer. I was the idiot who talked about killing myself since she was leaving trying to manipulate her into staying with me. Yet I was so calm about wanting commit suicide if she left. I feel I would have done it. First girl to drive me absolutely crazy to that point. I was so emotional crazed that she ended up calling the cops on me in fear of me succeeding in my suicidal thoughts and to go through with it. She even still extended an offer of friendship to me. She cared so much about me, but she just could not be hurt emotionally by me anymore, to attempt a romantic relationship. Yet, there was me still being greedy, and talking to her like crazy. Trying to win her back. Wanting something more then what could ever be. Movie like fantasies where the guy wins back the girl. Then she blocked me completely out of her life. During the two weeks to present after the break up, September 15^th, 2015. It gave me a lot of time to think and to do unexpected things. I unexpectedly went out and met new people. I talked to them with a smile and full positive attitude. Even met some pretty cool and nice people. Even though I thought I would be completely depressed during those outings. On Sunday I watched “Bruce Almighty” with Jim Carrey in it. He meet god and got to see what it was like to be in his shoes. Spoiler Alert. At the end he talked to god. He asked him what he should do. God responded with “be the miracle.” Miracles are not cheap and cannot just be given away like Jim Carrey did and god told him to pray. I did the same, but this time it was different. I did not think of myself. I wholeheartedly prayed for my ex-girlfriend. That she would find happiness and live an amazing life. After this moment passed. I was completely baffled at myself. To be able to do something like that. Thinking long and hard of what that was like. After a two week break, I realized she taught me the most valuable thing in my entire life when she broke up with me. To become a better person. To try and stop thinking selfishly. If I ever wanted a family. I needed to learn how to do that. I am still struggling with depression, but I want to move on and become a better person. She became my role model and I wanted to thank her. I tried to meet her on 9/14 against her wishes to never see or talk to her again. I wanted her back in my life so I could learn more and thought she could be the best teacher. Myelin wouldn’t talk to me for 5 minutes. I didn’t get to thank her and show her I wanted to become a better person. That I wanted her help to teach me. And, here I am struggling to live again. I don’t know if I will make it, but I hope I do. So I can become the man I want to be. So that is my story.

For everyone who has watched this video. I hope you can find someone as special as she was to me, but hold on and fight. Talk to them and let them know how special they are to you everyday. How they make your day so bright and that you want to do the same for them. Keep fighting and struggling in hopes you may one day you can become that person you want to be. To have friends that fill your life with happiness and joy. I believe this is the only life we have. We must do whatever we can to live and keep fighting. I hope we both can keep fighting and struggling. Good luck everyone and I hope we make it.

It is up to you and go find it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LkR9v7XD5I