I fully give up in finding housing. There’s absolutely no place for me in this world. I’m completely fucking useless and a throw away of society with a computer degree, (almost) film degree, and IQ of 137. It all means nothing. Homeless and transgender, physical disabilities and failing health due to homelessness and lack of sleep. No one gives a fuck and there is no help. No one wants to live with someone obese. No one wants to live with someone over the age of 30. No one will rent to someone with bad credit. No one will rent to someone who’s background check produces a female name and a male name that are entirely different. Everyone can fuck off and die, eat a bowl of dicks, kiss my ass, eat shit, get bent, and go to hell. I don’t have the energy to keep begging every landlord and renter in Chicago profusely to have a place to live and please, please, please accept that my $1600 a month income that I bust my ass to earn is enough to make me worthy of a roof over my head. I guess I’m not worth it. It infuriates me that everyone was right. From the age of at least 5, if not earlier, everyone told me that no one would ever love me. This came from peers, teachers, adult family and sevwral different psychologists I was dragged to see every week growing up. They all said I was disgusting and no one could ever love m and no one will ever love me. Well 3 months away from turning 38 and I never have been loved. So they were right. I’m just not good enough and don’t deserve live either. When I was 20 and came home from living on the streets of Seattle for a few years, my mom was pissed that my grandma had me come back to WV to live with her and my mom said that I don’t deserve a place to live, that I was meant to be homeless and should be homeless, because that’s what God wants for me and that I haven’t done anything on this earth to deserve a bed to sleep in. I don’t remember her exact words, but that is what she said, if not quite in that order. And I guess she was right. All I will ever be is homeless. There’s not a single person out there willing to give me any type of housing. Not an apartment, shelter, half way house, nothing. I obviously deserve nothing. That is what you get for being fat, ugly, queer and different. (And yes I identify as queer because I don’t know wtf is going on between being a transguy and still wanting to fuck men.)
In doing my work this morning I read a story about an 84 year old grandmother that climbed Mt Everest. My grandma passed away at 84. She never did anything. When she was in her 70’s I’d tell her that there are people in their 70’s that ski and she always said she had no interest in ever doing anything. Her life goal was just to retire and sit on her ass and stare at the TV. I know she hated life as much as I always have. Even though she’s gone now, I still feel bad that she never really lived. As far as I know, she never had a good story to tell. She only told me of how miserable life has always been, how much she hated everything and everyone. And she endured 84 years of being utterly miserable. (God I miss her though.) I’m a few months off of hitting 38 and I don’t want to be here to say that I’m 38. 37 is enough for me. In fact, it’s too much. I’ve wanted to die since I was about 15. Bit I’ve always been so stupid as to think things would eventually work out. Well, no more. I’m done. If it’s not more than the measly $40 I have left for the week, I’ve got a prescription for muscle relaxers waiting for me to pick up. That should help with adding to the mix.
wearing this bracelet… (it’s from a band)
4 comments
Honestly disgusting, shoot me an email eh. killswitchon88 @ hotmail . com// i think we would be able to relate on so much. Especially the housing front. fuck sakes its tough to find a place when youre allergic to pets, smoking and everything under the sun. As far as being queer, well, like i say shoot me an email. We can chat chit about all this shit.
Life isn’t what it was supposed to be.
@Disgusting, sorry to hear it’s so difficult to find a place. Have you tried looking in a primarily “gay village” area? I’m sure they’d be a lot more sympathetic-assuming you have such areas in your city.
Don’t give up-this is simply about finding an apartment. When you see a landlord, just dress well. I won’t mention the transgender thing unless you have no choice due to name changes and so forth-then you’d need to go to a more liberal neighborhood because the religious fundies will discriminate against you.
Nothing wrong with being a transguy wanting to fuck men, that just means you’re gay. As you know sexuality and gender are two different things. I might be a transgirl one day but I still love girls, so if I do transition, I’ll be a lesbian. But I like men too-I’m more bisexual.
Again don’t let it get you down. I’m about to make a big move myself-from a small apartment to a much place. I have some other irons in the fire and one will be very transformative for my life (financially) if I succeed-but it’ll take a lot of time to find out, however I think the odds are good.
Just keep knocking on every door, someone should let you in. Hide as much as you can, be willing to lie about your life if have to. Do whatever it takes to get what you want.
Grammar corrections:
I wouldn’t mention….
from a small apartment to a much nicer place….
it’ll take months to find out….