I guess this is the place to vent. I don’t know it’s been about three years since I’ve been this depressed. I used to be on this website back then. I feel like crying screaming and then again I feel numb and so emotionally exhausted that I’m hurting physically. Almost three years ago I was raped and I’m holding the best thing in my arms right now that ever walked the face of the earth. She is the product from that horrid night but omg she’s so amazing!!! I fall in love with her more and more every day. But what in the world do I tell her when the time comes?
So back to how I feel inside… three years ago I admitted myself in the hospital searching for help. I’ve seen a therapist been on two different kinds of meds and honestly I was doing great for awhile. But here I am again. I’m supposed to be this super religious person and I mean really religious but all I am is a hypocritic. I’m the worst piece of shit to ever walk the earth. I’m supposed to live this good life and go to heaven when in all reality I’m going to split hell wide open. I feel like I’ve tried everything to help me. I’ve been searching for a way out of this without doing the forever no turning back sin. I’ve even tried to vent to a few church people but instead I get in trouble… people saying I have an attitude etc. Well maybe I do. I don’t know I’m so confused… I don’t feel like I can’t even think straight. I’m giving myself a certain amount of time to keep searching for an answer. I know it’s a mental condition but I’ve also begged for God to heal and deliver me. I guess I’m on here searching for a solution. I don’t know I just know I can’t take any of this anymore. I have a date picked out (the date I was raped… I even have a will written out. And tomorrow I’m going to buy the gun. I’ve tried a few other methods before but I want to know that I know it’s a for sure thing when I do it.
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There is a lot to unpack…
When the time comes to tell her about how she arrived on the scene you are going to tell her the truth. You will scale it down to where a young mind can understand but it will be the truth. Yes it will be hard but we owe our kids respect and honesty.
If you go away someone else is going to have to do that. Someone else is going to also explain why you aren’t around anymore, too.
You sure as hell need a new church. I’m a Quaker and we don’t put up with that shit. Also Unitarians, progressive Episcopalians, United Church of Christ… all of us believe that only the supreme being can do the judging. And if God needs to say something to you s/he will say it directly to you. The asshole in the next pew will sure as fuck not be the messenger… Except if the message is actually DON’T BE LIKE THIS ASSHOLE IN THE NEXT PEW. That’s a special case.
You are not the worst piece of shit to walk the earth! The worst piece of shit to walk the earth was Myron Flapdoodle. He was a spectacular asshole, you guessed it, in the next pew. You don’t even come close!
You are not wrong for having these feelings. You are not wrong for wanting to end your pain. You are right for trying to look for options.
Are you still on meds? Are you still seeing a therapist? Do you have a support network?
Bang away at your keyboard here. There are quite a few ppl here who’ve been down a similar rocky road. I think there’s even a secret place here where they give away lemonade, cookies, and hugs – but nobody will admit it.
Stay awhile. Personally, I would hope stay long enough to tell us about your daughter’s upcoming third birthday party.
Please don’t go. Your child needs you to stay here on this earth for you to raise her. In terms of people judging you, that’s not how good religious people should be. I tell you what, I have done plenty wrong in my life. And I realize that god has forgiven me for my sins.
I know how hard life can be. Just know that there are people out here who are more than willing to listen and help if you would like.
Email me if you wish to chat more.
brl.cents@gmail.com
Hello, hi35.
I think dare.poe made all the right questions and said the right words. I don’t have much to add… I just want to tell you that your story made me cry. I’m so sorry that you had to go through something so horrible.
I think I understand a bit of how you feel. My mom married a sexual predator; he blindfolded and lied to her for years so he could do things to me. I was attacked, touched and humiliated for many years…
I don’t want to be a hypocrite when I too wanted to have a gun, but I really hope you change your mind. You deserve to live and to be happy with your baby girl. I wish I could give advice or say something that could help you to fix things, but I can’t. All I can say is that I wish the very best to you.
Love and light.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. He needs to be shot or better yet put in jail with the murders that would beat him… he needs to be tortured and raped so badly before he dies a horrible death.
I feel like my support network died off along time ago… I moved away back in Jan to be with my church… and I’ve opened up to a few of them but instead it got worse obviously. Yes still on a med that I’ve been on for almost three years. I moved away from my therapist so no not going anymore.
I’m so lost and can’t take this shit anymore.
And about my little princess. She will be so much better off. She’s going to my pastor and pastors wife. Will have everything she ever needed plus. And two godly parents to be her examples instead of one piece of shit.