This has been a big part of my constant thinking and desires of suicide: part of me wants to go out of the house, make friends, do socializing activities, get a job, and pretty much anything that a normal person would – but another part of me hates the world, hates people, is too sensitive, too afraid, too moody and too petrified to set foot out in the world! Every day these two sides battle against each other, some making more ground than others, but in the end I can’t take it and make my attempts to end it.
I come from a religious family who do not believe in councilors, psychologists or therapists. They think merely reading from a bible will solve all of your problems, even psychological and emotional ones. This never did it for me, so all of my issues kept festering and piling up to the point I am now the paranoid psychopath I am today! I’ve tried self-studying psychology and human behavior in order to find answers and though I have a better grasp on things I still can’t diagnose what the hell is wrong with my head! It could be split personality, it could bi-polar, or any number of those mental problems. Or it could be nothing and I’m just driving myself scared for no reason. But this is making my suicidal situation worse. I’m trying not to let those thoughts seep in, but they do when I’m confused, uncertain and can’t decide which part of me to embrace? The one who wants out, wishes to live and is afraid of death, while the other part who wants to stay in the safe confines of my house, wishes to die and is afraid of living on…
Does anyone else here have similar feelings? Is it just me? It is a condition? Or just an effect by the depression?
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Same here on a few fronts. That said there was someone who posted an old Cherokee legend that I think fits here:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
“hates the world, hates people, is too sensitive, too afraid, too moody and too petrified”
Yes. Yes. Also: yes.
For me, Paxil blunted most of those problems. Unfortunately, I never pursued the therapy I needed to unlearn the crazy thinking patterns that got me in a dark pit in the first place. So I’m a mixed bag of outgoing hilarity and inner self-loathing.
The trouble with being raised by magical-thinking parents is even if you are clear-minded enough to know it’s bullshit, that crap sticks to you like napalm regardless.
I wish I could tell you what is really real. When you are in a hole the world is fucked up and the pain is real. When you are out of the hole the world is pretty cool and your happiness is real. There may not be any capital T Truth to which is the *real* state of affairs.
Actually, there is a school of thought that says reality is smack in the middle. All things are neither happy nor sad. All emotions are the same. Nothing is important and all things are critical.
Fuck that. I have no desire to be the Dali Lama. He’s a terrible dresser!
Hey, I was wondering how you were doing. Don’t be afraid to continue posting here.
One of the common arguments against suicide is that it would be “such a waste”. And don’t forget, it is permanent and forever. You seem to want to continue to reach out for life and purpose.
And if it’s just fears that are holding you back, don’t let them. If I always let fear hold me back, I would have never learned how to ride a bike or swim. On that note, though, I am not crazy or stupid, either — which would be wrestling a wild lion without a good metal suit. But… You get the general idea?
People say that all of life is a risk. There is truth to that. To cross the street is a risk. But everyone takes risks; it’s all about SMART risks. Whether some kind of financial investment or life in general, it’s not about gambling a ton of your money in some game where your chances of winning are worst than being struck by lightning twice in one day, it’s about the greatest chances of the greatest return for your investment. (You get what I’m saying.)
“The one who wants out, wishes to live and is afraid of death, while the other part who wants to stay in the safe confines of my house, wishes to die and is afraid of living on…” You do not seem to have been a very strong choice-maker, and it seems that it’s been made for you most of your life? I guess sometimes, you just need to make a choice and let the chips fall. Yes, choose what’s best for you, but don’t be afraid to choose.
Fear will stifle, and if you are always going to be afraid, you are not going to get anywhere or learn anything. Honestly, as a guy, I am not afraid to go up to bat for my lady (think what you all may, I’m old fashion, yadayada… this is how I am). I am not afraid to go somewhere at 2 in the morning to get what she needs.
You may have been so use to the confines of where you are and comfortable in what seems to be all that you’ve ever known… But the new world would have never been discovered by Columbus if he was always too afraid to set sail, right?
Seriously, in life, so often times, you just have to not be afraid to get it done and to sail out to new waters and get out of your comfort zone. Man-up because that’s what a man has to do. A man just gets it done and isn’t afraid to do so.
I don’t expect my girlfriend to go to the door at 2 AM with a strange sound outside and I feel it’s my duty as a man to go out into the world and not be afraid to conquer (bring home the bacon and so forth).
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela
Get out there and make friends with a bunch of dudes and trust me, you’ll integrate real quick and keep up real fast.
I feel very similar to what you’re talking about, if I read correctly. Mine is a combination of anxiety and depression, but everyone is different. I also haven’t been tested for any mental disorder though such as bipolar or anything. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a hypochondriac.
Stop reading about mental illnesses online!!! Stop it!!! It doesn’t no good! Instead of putting yourself in a category….make your own category. You are who you are. Yes, there may be some things that aren’t functioning properly in your brain but when you read that crap about mental illnesses you almost start to convince yourself you’re too far gone. Every mental illness seems to tie into one another some way. At the end of the day it all feels the same.
I spent time reading about mental illnesses and I had come to the conclusion that I had a personality disorder( which I very well may have) on top of a whole bunch of shit. You know what I found out? It didn’t help me. It didn’t give me any answers I was looking for. It stressed me out more.
Just take a step back and if you are old enough to leave home, do it. Not irresponsibly, but make a plan and go after it, then go seek help from a doctor or anyone you wish. Don’t let religion hold you back from living your life and getting better. If your family doesn’t accept that you need and want help then I’d say…fuck them. In the end you have only yourself. So, take care of yourself in the ways you feel are best, but I would recommend starting with therapy. It’s just like eating your fruits and veggies to keep your body strong and seeing a physician when you need a psyical but these doctors are specifically for your brain 🙂
Hi