I am so weary. I cannot stop thinking about death. The thought of smiling scares the hell out of me. I lack enthusiasm to make moves or find a job. I am fucking useless piece of shit. I cry uncontrollably and can do virtually nothing meaningful with my life. My friend beat her depression and anxiety. She’s always been there for me but it looks like she’s getting a little distant because my depression is chronic… just when I thought I was gonna turn my life around.
I radiate negativity and sadness and well, that’s not something normal people or those that have finally decided to take charge of their life want to associate with. I have been living vicariously through her and now I am all alone. I just want to fucking die and probably the cosmonauts will punish me for lack of perseverance and faith. I am so dead inside. All I think about is death.
4 comments
I’m sorry you feel like you’re losing your friend. I think for some people who are doing and feeling better, it must be particularly hard to be around someone who feels like this. If you can still understand it you’re bound to be more sensitive to it.
Feeling like you can’t do anything meaningful, not having managed to beat your depression yet… it doesn’t make you useless. It doesn’t mean things are hopeless. If you feel alone, find others. That’s one thing you can control. Being alone is the cherry on the cake of things-are-getting-worse. It’s another burden on top of everything else. Hopefully if your friend knows how meaningful she is in your life she won’t leave, but you can find others to talk to too.
Thank you Trix for the comment, it sure is therapeutic. Maybe I shouldn’t get so emotionally attached to you.
Edit: Emotionally attached to people
You know, I think when you feel awful and feeling attached to someone helps even just a little, it’s virtually impossible not to. But I think it helps to spread that attachment round to more people. When I’m going through a really bad phase I tend to attach myself to one person and get more distant from others… it helps for a short while but doesn’t usually end that well.